I lay here staring
At the blackened ceiling
And think
Cry
Worry.
I question why I have to be stuck alone
With my mind
Why can't someone save me?
All I want,
All I need,
Is to not feel like an after thought.
I don't want to feel like everything I do bothers you
Like everything I do displeases you.
All I ever wanted
Was to please you
Was to make sure you were okay.
All I ever wanted,
Was to hold you close
To say you were mine.
And as all always has,
Even that little piece of hope has been torn from me.
You've poured salt in my wounds.
You all have.
When I ask for no argument,
You give me a war.
When I say I love you,
All you want is more.
I love to please you.
And in many ways it's what I live for.
But it's so difficult to please you
When the little things don't matter anymore.
I'm not rich.
I don't have a job.
I don't have time to be happy for myself.
I can't give you what everyone else can.
And so I try to give you the little things.
Like small hugs,
Small "I love you's"
Small "You know you're my everything, right?"s
It's all straight from my heart.
And you say it's enough.
That material doesn't matter.
But then why is it that emotion seems to matter less and less to you?
It seems like nothing I do can make you happy.
Like I can't do anything
To please you
To make you smile.
Oh, how I long to see that smile again...
I feel like everyday it's more and more of a struggle just to know who you are anymore.
I don't want to lose you.
I don't want to lose that one thing in my life that matters most.
But I can't take the constant pain.
I realize that you're happy.
I realize that you're happy now.
And I'm happy for you...
I'm happy for you....
I'm happy for you......
I continue to tell myself that...
That I am truly happy for you..
But it's hard to be happy that the love of you're life doesn't love you.
I know you think I'm just a pitty party.
That I'm just pulling for my own recognition.
I know that that's how you look at me.
I just can't hold it in anymore.
I love you.
I always have.
Always will.
.......
But... I guess through time... We've grown distant... and maybe..
There's just that little something...
If only I could make us be the way we used to be....
But
There are too many people in the way now...
I know I'll never have what I long so much for
Not again
I will try and try
But past experience
Will plague you
You know
As do I
That there's just something...
Something....
Missing.
