The Enchantress | COMPLETE | AbhiGya Fiction

11. Heart of Darkness

I turned my gaze towards Bulbul, it was just the two of us now; she was looking at me with calm glassy eyes. I nodded at her and motioned for her to come to the dining area to eat something, we both had not eaten anything all day. She quietly followed, and we ate silently before retiring to our rooms that night. As I lay awake that night, sleep evaded me. Strange memories from my childhood flooded my thoughts, all were with 'mumma' and somehow all good and easy memories, like a laugh we shared, a place we visited; I remember while we were living those memories, I wasn't happy with her, but now in hindsight, they seemed like happy memories. Also, despite my hate for Bulbul, I knew the turmoil that was going inside her head and heart right then, she had truly and in all sense lost her mother, and ask me, someone who lost both parents, no one is ever ready for it; however old, also no one ever deserves it, however bad. A part of me wanted to put all animosity on pause and reach out to her, but another part, the one that felt guilty stopped me, what if she didn't want me around?

***

Bulbul:

I couldn't sleep all night, the memory of that day haunted me right into the wee hours of morning; to be honest, I didn't try sleeping much either because every time I closed my eyes, flashes of 'mumma' came to me, and strangely, none of them were happy memories. People say when a person departs for their heavenly abode, they take away all the bad memories and what remains are only the happy ones they lived; more often than not we find it in ourselves to forgive a dead person for the sins they committed in life, but for me why was it any different, that to with 'mumma'? I never really said it on her face that I held her deeply responsible for a lot of my miseries in life, I felt that way when I was angry, but I would cool down eventually and not think about such things, but were these thoughts so deeply engraved in my sub conscious that today of all the time, when my relationship with my mother seeks a final eulogy, I am incapable of giving her a happy one?

My mother always showed me love and affection, but never stood up for me; not once. She was always cold towards Pragya di, but still she always ensured di got her dues. I understand somewhere that it stems from a place of deep seated guilt she felt; the guilt of replacing 'badi ma's' life with hers, and thereby changing di's world at a tender age, but all I ask is, why did my own mother, in order to feed her guilt, and provide justice to my di, ended up being most unjust to me? Di deserved happiness and love, but did she deserve my share of happiness and love? She didn't. She didn't deserve it back then, she didn't deserve it now; and what was I expected to do, give in to her demands? Willingly or unwillingly, both times my mother ensured I did. Suresh was mine, but Di was allowed to have her, then why couldn't she be happy with him, why was there a hollow in the marriage, why did Suresh whisk back to me at the first opportunity? Why did Di not have any hold on him even after some time of marriage? I will tell you why, because, as much of a damsel in distress my Di pretends to be, always in life, it was her fault too. Suresh could consider walking out of his marriage while his wife was with child, not only because we loved each other, but because Di never loved him. If she never loved him to begin with, what was the point of my sacrifice? I still didn't complain, in fact I sacrificed my love for Suresh again when it came to Aadi; at least you'd think this time around she'd work things around with her husband? She blamed me for stealing her husband, but she never claimed him when I gave him back to her. Di in my eyes will never be more than a selfish child, whining for a toy, the moment she had it, she lost interest. Today, she used the knowledge of Suresh and my affair to make her claim on Abhi, legitimate; but when was the last time she cared about Suresh? I have seen him trying to get back to life with her; did she ever give him a chance? But she used our affair as a card the moment she needed to prove her innocence, how is this justified? How is Di at the receiving end of anything?

Then came Abhi; I was trying to move on, I wanted to find happiness, even if it began as a compromise from my end; if Di hated me all her life for what I did, how does she justify her act, how is what she did suddenly become okay, just because we did it in the past? What right does she have to hate me, rebuke me and punish Suresh, when given a chance she did the same, she went for what she wanted. This time, Abhi was the shiny new toy that Di wanted, and when it came out in the open, who lost anything, me. My mother wasn't going to get me married to Abhi even if we had decided to, you know why, because deep inside she'd know Di wouldn't be okay with it; history repeated one more time, and this time too my happiness was compromised; I'd find it in myself to not blame my mother for this, but what irked me was how she defended Di, when we questioned her motherhood and motherly responsibilities towards Aadi; is Di justified choosing herself over Aadi? Over the years we all have changed but Di hasn't, yesterday it was me, today it was Aadi, but whenever there came a time for Di to choose between her happiness and someone else's, knowingly or unknowingly, she has always chosen herself; no one else; not even her son.