Liam's File [discontinued]

Chapter 18

As I’m stocking up my pack I begin more and more violent with it.

“Stupid fucking traitor trying to fix me. No one can fix me. I am unbreakable. I will not be shown up by some stupid crush. I will avenge myself. I will shoot her the next chance I get.” I pick up the closest object to me and hurl it across the room. So much for keeping it together. I can’t even pack my own bag without getting angry. I’m a piece of shit.

“Hey, Liam, how about I fix up that leg for you before we go?” Rainer says as he steps into my room with his medical kit in hand.

“Do whatever you want. I don’t care.” I fiddle with a shirt in my lap as he makes his way through the clutter.

“I don’t think this water glass deserved to be smashed, Liam.” I lift my head and look at the mess he’s staring at. There’s glass surrounding the bottom half a cup. I guess that’s what I threw. It didn’t make a difference in my mood, I still feel awful.

“She deserved what she got.”

“Oh, so now we’re talking about Piper, are we?” Oh. I guess all these emotions piling up are starting to screw with my head. I can’t even think straight anymore or control the words that come out of my mouth.

“I never said that,” I spit.

“But you said ‘she’. So I assumed that you want to talk about your traitor girlfriend and the hole she put in your heart.” I don’t want to admit to Rainer that I’m heartbroken. It shows weakness and he’s always known me for being like stone. I can’t be moved and I have no soul.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Look, I’m no therapist, but I think you need to stop keeping everything bottled up. You need to talk about it rather than keep it to yourself like you always have.”

“You want me to talk, Rainer?” I shout. “I’ll talk. I am raging with fire inside because I let her in, I let her see the real me that’s under this entire demeanor. I let her sleep in my bed, with a gun that could be used against me and I never saw it coming. I showed her how to shoot and I taught her everything I knew. When I found out she’s a traitor my world collapsed. I was scared and angry and I wanted to kill her right there. But I loved her and I was blinded by that love and I let her go unscathed. And losing the bunker, the guns, and the food that was my fault. I don’t want to have to deal with it but I do and I can’t do anything to change that. There, I spilled my guts out to you Rainer, are you happy? Are you going to give me a sticker and tell me how good I did?”

Suddenly I can’t look him in the eye anymore. It’s as if seeing him, looking at me like I’m someone who always needs help and to be looked after, brings shame. I hope that he doesn’t go and betray me too because I don’t think I can handle another mental breakdown.

He rests a hand on my thigh.“It’s not your fault. She lost something that was the best goddamn thing you could imagine. That’s her fault, not yours. You shouldn’t beat yourself up over this because you can’t do anything to help it. So keep going, like you always do. Kill some zombies, kill some people and be the Liam I’ve grown to love.” I urge myself to look up at him and when I do, I see the tears in his eyes but I don’t see the hurt look I get from everyone else. I see pride. Pride for me. As if I just go straight A’s on my report card or I just got first place in some sort of competition. I haven’t gotten that look since before my dad died.

“You can fix me up, Rainer. You can help me now. I’ll let you in.”

*

            We’re on the road again after we’ve all packed up. It hadn’t really taken that long as most of us don’t have that many personal possessions. We’re mostly just stocked up on water. We’re running low on food and I’m assuming Jesse will soon make an announcement saying that we need to take our runners to town. We haven’t done that in so long.