When Did It Happen

Prologue

What is it about listening to sad music when you're sad? It always starts with that one song. Then BOOM you have listened to the same sad song for three hours. I guess it's kind of like eating junk food when you are on a diet. It tastes so good to eat and before you realize it you are on your fourth snicker bar.  see, I have a similar problem with guys. For reason, I don't understand why.  Does not matter what it is they do or how upset I become. In the end, I still care and I hate it. So even though listening to Adele is making me sad it feels fucking amazing.

"Are you going to answer the question", Dr. Wilder said. Damn there I go, I spaced again. Now she is giving me this 'you are not taking this serious' look while staring at me from across the room. Which I am of course. It's just sometimes I get in my own little world and everything or everyone else ceases to exist. For example, Dr. Wilder has this massive office with just amazing decor. One glance at her wall art and you're totally tuned out of what she is saying.

"Umm what was the question again", I asked her.

She took a heavy sigh and said "When did it happen? That moment you apprehended no matter what you could have said, wrote, or did it was over. When did that happen for you?". 

Oh, that question. 

Shit. Suddenly a feeling of emptiness overcame me. I am trying so hard not to cry on what I  guess is a really really expensive sofa. My eyes are starting to fill with tears and I just want to ball up and cry. I hate this for me. I hate that he had such an impact on me that I had to go see a shrink. 

Just three months ago. He was my favorite person. Who am I kidding he still is.

"Oh, you mean when the stomach flipped stop".

"Stomach flipped", she questioned while raising her upper eyebrow. She motioned her hand for me to expand on it.

"Stomach flipped. You never heard of stomach flip? A stomach flip is when you are waiting for the ball to drop. When you feel a certain circumstance is too good to be true. Like there is no way this person loves me. Despite,  when they finally say those eight letters. Still, you feel uneasy. Then they finally reveal themselves and hurt you. Then you think to yourself there it is and your stomach stop flipping". I didn't realize tears started to roll down my cheek until Dr. Wilder was handing me a tissue.

"Dr. Wilder, frankly it hasn't flipped yet", I said to her. She wrote a few sentences down on her Wordpad. I was curious so I asked her "When will it happen?".  She replied I can't help you with that because it is only up to you." She looked down at her watch and told me our session was up. 

Before I left Dr.Wilder told me, "Never be complacent in any type of situation that makes you uncomfortable or overwrought. Don't wait for the ball to drop or stomach flip for you to get comprehension from a constant unsettling gut feeling. Love yourself enough to get your answers and be content if they are not the answers you want".