Nowhere In Particular // H.S.

Nineteen: Dirty Laundry

It hasn't worked though, even with Harry's usual antics that's he's playing up even more than normal, I find it difficult to get out of my own mind.

I knew talking to my mom was going to be hard. I knew it would sort of mess with my mind. But I also knew it was important and well over due. Unfortunately, instead of it easing my mind or helping to get rid of any guilt I have within me, it's only made me more confused.

"Greta, you need to come home," my mom's voice is cold, almost emotionless. It feels weird to hear this over the phone compared to everything else up to this point, and the fact that she only stopped crying moments ago.

"I can't, Mom," I whisper, sniffling loudly. "Not yet."

"Maybe you didn't hear me correctly," she's quick to respond, her voice calm and clear. "You need to come home... now."

"I just can't do that," I repeat, trying to stay strong. "I'm an adult, Mom. And I know in some ways I'm not acting like it, but it's true. I need to do this for myself and you can't make me do anything I don't want to do."

I expect her to yell at me or at least give me a lecture on how I'm still her child and she's only looking out for my best interest. Up until this point this is exactly what I would have expected out of my mom, and in most cases I would appreciate it, but this is not what happens this time.

"I know," she whimpers out, crying quietly. "I know that, Greta."

I found it difficult to truly express to my mom how I feel about the entire situation. It isn't something that I have a full understanding of anyways and I'm constantly going back and forth on how I feel about it.

It's difficult because I know in some ways I'm being extremely selfish and putting people who say they love me constantly on the edge. But I also feel that it's okay to be selfish in a way, like I deserve it for once. In the beginning this was more about proving a point to them, hoping that they would think about everything that happened, but the meaning of this trip has changed and it isn't the same any more.

Now, it's about what I really wanted it to be from the beginning. Not something that was caused by unfortunate events that made me want to run away, but more focused on my hopes of running to find something better. Not because I'm bitter and unhappy with my life but because I want something meaningful to happen, something meaningful that will make a change within me.

"Greta, I'm really sorry," my mom whispers, her voice shaky from the crying. "I know it wasn't right of me to blow up on you like that. I let my fear and disappointment in the situation take over, and I blamed it on you when I should have been blaming myself."

"You shouldn't blame yourself, Mom," I say quickly. It's nice to hear her apology and in some ways nice to hear her take the fault for it rather than putting in on me... but that isn't necessary either.

"No," she says strongly. "If I was doing my job correctly it wouldn't have happened in the first place. I shouldn't get preoccupied if I can't bother to parent Blair just like the rest of you. I'm her mother, not you. You shouldn't have to discipline her and because of my action I made you into the one who was wrong... that wasn't fair."

"We're not perfect, Mom," I half smile, thinking of Harry's words from a little earlier. "We make mistakes. Blair made a mistake, one that I'm sure she'll never want to make again. You made a mistake... it happens."

"You don't think you're making a mistake now?" she asks quietly. I can tell by her tone it isn't meant to be condescending or like she's implying anything else. She's just genuinely curious if I think I'm doing the right thing right now.