Little Bird (Ed Sheeran)

Chapter 5 ~ Moni

       I run into the flat, Zayn and Mila jump on the sofa, scared because of the way I storm into the room, panting like I’ve just ran a marathon. I kind of did that. I ran from Ed’s flat to mine and Mila’s. I had to, I couldn’t stay there and if I took a bus or taxi, that would’ve given me time to think and I’m not ready to think.

I’m terrified. I ran away like a disgusting little coward and I’m ashamed of myself, but I didn’t have another option in that moment.

“Zayn, leave. I need Mila,” I say still panting and fighting to catch my breath. Both of them look at me confused and Mila is the first to catch there’s something wrong with me, that I’m at the edge of a panic attack.

“But I thought you were on a date with Ed. What happened–?” he asks leaving the question hanging whilst examining me, as if in that way he’s going to find the answer. And he does. “Oh my God! I see! That’s why you need Mila. Well done, Moni. I never thought it was going to be that fast, I mean, isn’t it just your second date?” he teases me and I feel like digging a hole to hide there until the end of the world.

Is it that obvious? How did he read me so easily?

“Zayn, stop it!” I beg him with my cheeks burning and the lump in my stomach making me sick.

“Oh, look at you! The guys need to see this,” he states, oblivious to how mortifying this situation is for me. I’m in a crisis, I need my best friend and Zayn is only torturing me.

“Zayn, cut it off now,” Mila intervenes and he looks at her shocked.

“What? When she bullies me is okay but I can’t bully her?” he inquires and Mila only looks at him severely. “Fine,” he gives in pouting and stands up. He is about to say something to me, but he now sees the pain I’m in this time and keep it for himself. “Bye,” he adds kissing Mila goodbye and patting my shoulder when he walks past me.

“You okay?” she asks me from the sofa and I have a lump in my throat. I feel I’m going to burst out in any moment. I can’t utter a word, so I just shake my head and practically jump to the sofa, demanding for a hug and hiding my face in her chest, my eyes burning for all the unleashed tears. “Moni, what happened?” she asks again and I just hug her tighter. I can’t speak yet.

In my mind come all the things that happened in Ed’s flat. From the moment I walked in until I ran away like a coward after he kissed me. Oh gods, he kissed me. He looked me in the eyes with so much emotion, with so much sweetness like I was something precious, but I’m not. I’m just a weird girl who doesn’t know how to love again. I care about him, I care too much to make him go through this.

I am a mess.

All my wounds have healed over the years, but what happened so many years ago changed me and I don’t know if I’m capable of loving the way I did again. Even a little bit. I’ve been alone for so long, I’ve been with my heart only beating because that keeps me alive that I don’t know what to do now.

He cares about me. He looks at me the way I only dreamed about long time ago, but I don’t know what to do now.

My heart got so broken once that even though I put all the pieces together again, that silly part of me can’t work properly again. It just can’t. My heart is too scared to do so. And now Ed comes here, looking at me the way I wanted that boy long time ago to look at me, he smiles as if he had in front of him all what he needs and I can’t take that. I can’t let him feel like that for someone who doesn’t know how to love, someone who doesn’t even know how to be in a relationship.