Affinities

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                                                                    Running Around In Circles

"...Heard they broke up... Yeah!"

A snort

"...I know, right! I expected it too... such a lush..."

"...yeah...literally walked in on him..."

"...no, she was with this guy..."

My throat tightened as I heard these words bubbling, hovering up and over the after lunch crowd. I just wanted to get home and fast, I didn't want anyone accusing me or asking me questions. I just couldn't deal right now. It was too much.

The whispers grew quiet but more intense as I passed and the worst part of it all was that I could hear my name being called, shouted over the whispers.  I needed to get out of here.

Pace quickening with my heartbeat as the amount of times my name was called increased. I really wanted out of here.

My eyes burnt from the salty tears blurring my vision as I reached for the door, that was until I felt a hand on my shoulder and I willed the tears to go back. The hand remained and so did mine on the bar handle of the door.

"Jess," the deep incising voice pleaded, sounding tired even "I'm—

I cut him off by spinning around to look him in the eyes when he said this.

He didn't. He never does. He just stood there with his hand still on my shoulder, bright eyes piercing into mine. I felt the eyes around us, I knew they were watching because the whispers stopped the minute he touched me.

I just shook my head and scoffed—all the while praying my tears didn't spill. Not this time...

He seemed to understand, his hand dropped and he took a step back, still looking. I hesitated before I could even push the door open behind me and walk out slowly turning around.

"It's sostupid!" I exclaimed stumbling over my words as I placed to tip of the bottle to my mouth again. I didn't care for the fact that I was talking to myself in the middle of the woods.

"You try so hard to try and you still end up failing and being disappointed!" falling back onto the grass beneath me I began giggling senselessly at the irony of it all.

"Life's fucked up man!" my scream echoed through the trees causing all the birds to scatter overhead their dark figures stamping the patches of blue I saw from where I lay.

I just sighed and gripped the grass my hands were hovering over tightly, feeling some rip I let it go and sighed again.

"Are you drunk Jess...?"

It's the same thing every time.

"Jess you know you shouldn't do this... it isn't right."

He cheats.

"Why do you do this all the time Jess?"

I get wasted.

"I don't want you to turn out like her!"

He compares me to my mother.

"Why do you do this Luke?"

I act out.

"Because..."

He reconsiders.

"Because of what Luke? Because she was 'hot'?"

I cry.

"I'm just... I'm so sorry Jess."

I deny it. Tell him to prove it.

"If I didn't then wouldn't be missing my Math exam for you."

I concede.

You know why?

Because it's a routine and routines work. They stick, but to some it may seem like senseless repetition. Why don't I just leave him? Because he stays.

It may seem like I'm running around in senseless, agonising circles—both mine and my mother's lushness—I do it because it's the only way I'll ever feel anything.

This circle running is worth it. Worth every. Single. Heartbreak.

Every single high.

Every single starved kiss.

It starts at betrayal and ends at forgiveness only to be ran again.

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A/N 

This was originally a contest entry c: