Guilt

Chapter 5

Both women sat in utter silence at the table. Regina didn't deem the situation appropriate to talk and Emma just gazed in the distance as tears stung her eyes.

Images were flying through her mind and she noticed herself starting to tremble. She felt Regina's hand on top of hers, trying to calm her, but it didn't help.

Regina's soft touch only made her remember the time they spent in the bedroom and she felt the guilt creeping up inside her. Emma really felt like she was about to lose it, but suddenly she felt herself calming down and she blinked a few times before she averted her eyes to Regina.

"Sorry.. I- I have never told the story out loud before, to anyone," Emma said. "He was the sheriff and therefore everyone knew what had happened with him," she softly explained and wiped away her tears.

"You don't have to apologize, just let it all out," Regina replied and kept her eyes on Emma. She had no idea the story of Killian's passing had been this intense and she wanted to help Emma as much as she possibly could.

Emma had just told the entire story and from the moment the blonde had started talking, Regina realized this was harder on Emma than she'd anticipated at first.

"It's good to let it all out, because if you keep all your emotions inside, they will just build up to a point that they can't be kept inside anymore and you'll just explode," Regina said and Emma nodded curtly.

"I know. I just want to be a stable person, you know? For Hope." The confession had slipped passed Emma's lips before her brain had actually registered and she felt her cheeks turning red. She'd never confessed this to anyone either.

Emma did find it strange how she felt so secure around Regina. She didn't know the woman at all, yet she'd never been this vulnerable around anyone before.

"You're allowed to show emotions, even in front of other people. I know it's better for children to know their parents feel things, too. If you never show your emotions, whether that's sadness or happiness, Hope will learn to keep her emotions to herself as well, even though it's just as important for her to be able to cry whenever she feels the need to do so," Regina said. She pulled her hand back, which she now realized was still touching Emma's, and kept her eyes on the green orbs.

"I'm not saying you should be crying every second of the day, but you shouldn't bottle your emotions up," she continued.

Emma nodded again and shrugged. "It's just hard, I guess." She said and wiped her hands one last time over her face, to wipe away the last tears. "How did you do it? How did you cope with losing Daniel? I mean, you were quite young, but you seem like you've got it all figured out now."

Regina kept quiet for a rather long time, really contemplating her response. She didn't know whether she should answer this question truthfully, because she wasn't proud of the way she handled her loss. Yet, she felt obliged to speak the truth in front of Emma, given the way Emma opened up to her.

"I.. do not have it all figured out," she eventually said with a soft chuckle. "I'm okay with telling you everything that I did, but I really do not the recommend the way I handled everything."

Regina tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and cleared her throat. "I tried to cope with losing Daniel, the worst possible ways. I started drinking, although I was just twenty years old. Eventually I had to get into rehab. That was awful on top of all the shitty things that were going on in my life, but it was necessary. Most of the time after Daniel's passing I was drunk, and I started sleeping around with so many people. I..." Regina inhaled deeply. "It was not a good time for me."

Emma didn't know what to say, so she just looked at Regina in silence. She had no idea how to approach this subject in a good way, because she didn't want to harm Regina, or offend her.