I didn't mean to break you (clexa au)

s e v e n

⚠️ trigger warning! Self harm/depression/abuse/death. Please dm me or reach out to someone who you can trust if you are affected or ever need support.⚠️

"It started a while back, and Lex, what I'm about to tell you, some of it's not pleasant, and I don't know why I'm telling you this because I've never told anyone before, but for some reason I trust you. You've brought me to your special place, and I believe that you do care, even if it's just deep down."

Lexa nodded, her heart fluttering as Clarke told her she trusted her, her mind wishing she hadn't been so harsh on the girl in the past. It's as if the girl could see right through her, and though that was scary, it enticed Lexa in even more.

"When I was younger, I wasn't like this. I was the happy, bubbly, friendly, over sociable kid in the playground." Clarke's mouth turned into a small smile as she thought back to her days of being care free. "I had this uncle, Marcus." She stopped and took a deep breath at the mere mention of his name.

Lexa reached over and placed her hand on top of Clarke's, hoping she wasn't overstepping, wanting to let the blonde girl know she was safe.

Clarke visibly relaxed a little into the touch then continued. "My cousin, his daughter, passed away, she was the same age as me. Many people thought we were sisters, our eyes matched in shades of blue, her blonde hair just slightly lighter than mine." Clarke's eyes had become watery and she hadn't noticed until Lexa's other hand moved to wipe away a few stray tears.

Gulping at the soft touch Clarke continued, "When she died, he couldn't take it anymore, he lost himself, he lost everything. After a few months people thought he had become better. But he hadn't." A few more deep breathes from Clarke before she continued, "my parents went on holiday and my sister and I stayed with my uncle. While we were there he'd shout at me and blame me for her death. It terrified both me and Madi, but I started to believe it was true."

Floods of salty tears were now running down Clarke's hot face. Lexa felt a heavy weight in her chest as Clarke told her story. "It started out with just the shouting, but after that, every time I saw him and my parents weren't around for the next two years, he would be violent." The blondes voice began to break and Lexa noticed she was shaking.

Leaning into the girl, Lexa wrapped her strong arms tightly around Clarke, holding her. The action spoke louder than any words that could've been said, Clarke felt the safest she had in a long while. After hugging for a while Lexa let go, her hand running gently down Clarke's tear stained cheek.

"It's okay, your okay, you don't have to continue Clarke, I've got you," she shushed calmingly, her left hand squeezing Clarke's shaky ones.

Clarke shook her head and sniffled, "I want to continue," Lexa nodded her head as reassurance mumbling "I've got you," once more before the blonde carried on. Clarke had never gotten this far telling anyone her story, no one knew the extent of the abuse she had received, in fact, she'd begun to believe she deserved it and so it became normal

"The abuse became physical, but he'd always have a story to tell my parents as to why I had various bruises and scratches on my face and other places. They seemed to believe it, so I let it happen." Lexa subconsciously shook her head, "you didn't deserve any of that Clarke," she spoke softly, tears threatening in her eyes as she listened to the blonde talk about her past trauma.

"I deserve pain Lexa. You don't understand. Maybe I did cause Charlottes death, maybe I'm a murderer. My dads death-" Clarke choked on her words as the flashbacks of her dad laying still, lifeless on the floor. "That was my fault too." The blonde gulped visibly and squeezed her eyes shut as he began to shake.

"Hey hey," Lexa cooed softly taking both the girls shaky hands into her own. "I don't know what happened to either of them, but I know it wasn't your fault, and it's so easy to blame yourself Clarke, I know it is, but it's not your fault, it never was and it never will be."

Clarke slowly opened her eyes, looking into Lexa's deep green ones, "but-" she was cut off my Lexa, "no Clarke. You can't blame their deaths on yourself, it's tearing you apart, and I know it's not true. Blaming yourself might be the easiest thing to do, but you need to accept that it wasn't your fault." Clarke stared at the brunette in awe as she took in her words.

Maybe she was right. She had felt a pang of pain shoot through her body when Lexa had mentioned knowing the feeling, but she wasn't going to ask.

The two sat cuddled on the sofa for a few hours in a comfortable, safe silence. "The reason I didn't want to face sport class was because of my scars. I still have scars on my back from when he used to assault me. And-" Clarke stopped herself because she didn't want to cry anymore. Slowly she rolled up the sleeves of her hoodie to reveal several cut marks.

Lexa examined the wounds noticing that some looked fresh, and some were older scars. The indents covered both forearms of the blonde girl. A few tears escaped Lexa's eyes, despite her trying to hold them back. "I'm sorry." Clarke croaked as she saw the hurt that was displayed on the brunettes face. Lexa blinked a couple of times before speaking up, "you did this to yourself?" She whispered, her eyes still glued to the cuts.

Clarke nodded slightly, "I'm sorry. I just...when my uncle moved away, I had become used to the pain, it made me feel something other than numb. I managed to stop myself for a little while. But when my dad-" she sighed, looking down to meet Lexa's eyes once again, "I'm too weak."

Lexa reached her hand out to Clarke's arm and gestured towards it. Clarke hesitantly nodded as a sign to say she could carry on. Lexa moved closer and softly held the blondes arm. She lifted it to her face and placed a kiss on the first scar, then the next, then each one until she had placed a gentle peck on each one. Clarke was now crying, no one had ever been this gentle with her, and she had never expected someone like Lexa, to be the person who could make her feel better.

After kissing each and every cut on both arms Lexa used her right hand to lift Clarke's chin to look at her. "Clarke, you are anything but weak. You are the strongest person I know, and I am so proud of you for being here today. You may not see it yourself, but you are beautiful, these scars show your strength and don't make you any less beautiful. I hate that you do this to yourself, but I understand the need to feel something. I want you to let me help you. Please let me help you Clarke, and together we will get you through this." She spoke softly and sincerely, her voice cracking slightly as she pleaded to the blonde.

Clarke was shocked by Lexa's response, she hadn't expected understanding, or any of the loving and care that Lexa was showing her, especially the want to help her through her struggles. "I can't put that on you Lex. We don't even know each other, I don't even know why I told you all of that, I'm sorry."

Lexa looked a little sad at the blondes reply but she wasn't going to give up like that. "We don't know each other yet Clarke, and you aren't putting anything on me, because I would like to be the person to help you through this. You told me you trusted me, so take a leap of faith, let me look after you. You don't have to be alone anymore Clarke. I've got you."

Clarke's head was whirling. Everything Lexa had said was perfect, she didn't know what had suddenly changed her attitude but she was hoping it wasn't just sympathy. "Why do you care? Is it just pity?" Clarke questioned, her voice breaking a little, she was nervous and confused, and so she was doing what she did best, stepping back.

"Believe it or not Clarke, I'm not a robot, and I do have a heart. No it's not pity, it's because I genuinely care about you, and I understand how you feel. I don't want you to be alone, and quite frankly, I'm also sick of being on my own." Lexa replied, her voice still calm and collected, though her feelings and vulnerability were peeping through.

"Okay. But I want to help you too Lex, if you feel one thing like me, then I'm really sorry, it sucks ass." Clarke stifled a laugh, flashing her beautiful smile. Lexa smiled back at her, "I'm glad we found each other Griff, maybe you'll learn my story another day." Clarke nodded in agreement then scooted closer to Lexa on the sofa.

She lay her tired head on the brunettes chest, feeling as she slowly breathed in and out, hoping she hadn't overstepped any boundaries.

But she got all the confirmation she needed when Lexa snaked her arm around her new found friend, pulling her closer for comfort and warmth. Once the two settled in a comfortable position they both fell asleep. Clarke on Lexa's chest, Lexa leaning on Clarke's head, her hand running through her wavy blonde locks. "Your so beautiful." Lexa whispered in reassurance as she fell asleep.