Incoming: A Second Chance

May: Love

I don’t know how I managed, but hours turned to days, and days turned to weeks as the world around me seemed to move forward.  But not me, I seem to be stuck in place just watching like an outsider. 

My family kept asking me to come home, but I didn’t want to fall behind in my classes with finals here.  So I stayed and focused all my energy on my school work.  It wasn’t hard; Ethan was busy finishing up his thesis, and working at his internship.  Kathy and Brent were officially back together and pretty much inseparable.  This left me alone a lot to myself, thinking… always thinking.

There was the attack, which I was trying my hardest to put behind me, but finding this easier said than done.  I still couldn’t shower alone, to the point that I had Ethan wait outside in the hall when Kathy wasn’t around.  Ethan would assure me everything was going to be okay.  He stayed with me most nights, and was there to hold me when the nightmares resurfaced. 

Then there was Derek. I found myself listening to Derek’s CD more times then I’m willing to admit.  Each time ending up the same, in tears and me confused.  I don’t know if the tears were from guilt or the unknown.  Guilt that I let it go on this long, when I knew Derek’s feelings was growing.  Then there was the question of the so-called unknown, being my feelings for Derek. 

For weeks I’ve been telling myself that we are just friends, but what if Derek couldn’t accept that when he got back.  Will I lose him?  That thought brought tears to my eyes every time.

This is how Ethan found me one evening.  Walking into my room, he slowly closed the door and watched me as I put the CD away.  I tried to give him a reassuring smile, but he just watched me intently.

“What’s wrong?” He whispered never taking his eyes off me.

I turned away from him, and quickly wiped the tears from my eyes before they could fall.  Like it was prerecorded, I answered like I did with everything else, “I’m fine.” 

When I didn’t turn back to him, he came up from behind, wrapping his arms around my waist, and placing his chin on my shoulder.  I noticed the room key in his hand, which meant Kathy would be staying at Brent’s tonight.  She would pass along her key to Ethan so he could get in easier.

Again, he whispered, “Are you okay?”

I just nodded, but apparently that wasn’t enough.  He spun me around to face him.  Still not meeting his eyes, I watched as he placed his fingertips under my chin, and softly lifted my head, so I could look him in his eyes.  That’s all it took, tears once again started to fill my eyes.  What was wrong with me, I need to get a grip on myself.

“Baby, don’t cry. Talk to me…This isn’t the first time I’ve come in and you’re crying…”

But I just put my head on his chest and cried some more.  His hold on me tightened.  What was I suppose to say?  That I hate being scared all the time, that I couldn’t stop listening to Derek’s CD, or that I might have feelings for him?  No, I couldn’t say that, because even if I did fancy Derek, I was in love with Ethan.  Before I realized it, my grip on Ethan tightened.

We stayed like that for a few minutes, not saying a word, only holding each other.  After what seemed like forever, Ethan pulled away and looked into my eyes, just to make sure I was okay.  He kept staring as if he was still waiting for me to tell him what was going on.  When I didn’t respond, the creases in his eyebrows started to form; obliviously he wasn’t happy with my silence. 

“Tell me…”

“I’m fine.  Don’t worry.” I said taking a step back.

“Emma, if you’re crying then you’re not fine,” he said dropping his hold from around my waist.