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TITLE OF THE STORY : BETTY AUTHOR :xxHellPuppyxx REVIEWED BY : CARINO
COVER/TITLE :
The cover was cool. The girl was wearing a mask just like you described in your story. So there was no problem in understanding what the story is about. The title was named after the main character of the story and it's actually cool but it would be better if you add a subtitle, telling us what the story's actually about. Just the name of the Main Character isn't enough to attract the readers. Title should be the one that will tell us the genre of the story, that will give us a little glimpse of the story. So my suggestion would be add a subtitle, like "Betty : dead or not?" The size of your title was very small...and wasn't visible at the first sight. Make it to the front of the cover and increase the size of it.
BLURB:
Your blurb was rather too short to describe anything. Add more lines and it will be good to go.
DESCRIPTIONS:
I hardly, found any descriptions. Neither there were descriptions of the characters nor the places. I don't know what Jace, Asher and others look like and even though you told us how Betty looked like, it was too late. The lack of description was the reason that was giving me a feeling to stop reading. When Betty was going to the cliff to meet her boyfriend, add some descriptions of the surroundings. Was it full moon or the night was black? What kind of noises were coming? Was she scared or was feeling brave? Where was her boyfriend seating? When he looked at her was there a look of love on his face or an evil smirk? Add them and then see how changed your story looks.
GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION:
I noticed many grammatical mistakes that I think, can be omitted by proofreading. Also you use commas way too much. I found commas in such places where they weren't necessary and could be easily replaced by words like 'while' Lessen your use of commas.
PLOT:
The plot was weird in itself. There's no way a boy will kill her girlfriend just because he suspects her cheating. This could become a great story if you just made slight changes in the plot.
VOCABULARY:
I hardly found any complex words and many words were repeated in the same paragraph. Instead of using the word 'say' multiple times, you can use any other synonym of it.
PACE:
The pace was rushed..to a great extent. You could have easily turned this book of 12 chapters into a novel... All the murders were done too fast. And because of your rushing into the scenes, I lost the interest to read more.
CHARACTERS:
The characters were weird too. How can a boy kill his girlfriend just because he suspects her cheating? I mean how? He never saw them together. Jace already has a girlfriend then why will her flirt with Betty? Let me give you a suggestion: The audience will not know any of the things you've in mind...we'll only know what you write....you could have easily made a scene where Jace and Betty were alone in the room and Asher come and sees them and think otherwise. Scenes like them will create misconceptions. Then another weird thing is that how does that detective let Samantha kill all of the other friends? Yes they were the culprits but no police will let you take the law in your hands and even that Samantha is telling about her story to the journalist....what if she records her telling this and shows it to the police...Your story has things that never happen in normal life. Samantha dumped Jace's body...how can they suspect Asher?...Didn't they found Samantha's fingerprints on his body? Didn't they find her mobile location on the same place? And its even weirder that if the police didn't get the sim inside Betty's phone, they didn't try to track it...if they did, Samantha would be caught...
OVERALL ENJOYMENT:
I enjoyed the story but the plot being so weird, I lost my interest in the third chapter itself.
