Silver Lining

34. Epilogue

1654 days after

For some reason, as the paparazzi cameras were flashing, I thought about the panic attacks. The flashing lights reminded me of how you saw flashes, how your vision came in and out.

I hadn't had a panic attack in three years, and I could now actually talk to people about what had happened in those awful eight days. Slowly by slowly, over two whole years, the panic attacks became less and less frequent, and Theo took away the fear. He made me safe again.

"Now some photos with the bridesmaids!" Someone called out, and Laurel, Zoe, and Quinn stood beside Theo and I as we smiled for the paparazzi. The agreement was, that if we let the paparazzi take photos in the morning, they would leave after that and not take anymore photos.

After the paparazzi was done, the wedding party went around the back of the huge marquee to take some photos in front of this huge oak tree. We were getting married in a field in the middle of nowhere. Theo and I both thought it was a great idea, to get married in a place that was special to no one except us. The field was completely empty, except for an old rusted tractor in front of a ginormous oak tree. Both were perfect for photos. Theo sat on the seat of the tractor, and I stood in front of it, both of us looking at each other. The photographer held up his camera, and took a couple of shots.

"Okay, how about some photos of Madison with the bridesmaids, and then Theo and his best man," the photographer suggested. Theo got off the tractor, and Quinn, Laurel, and Zoe came to stand next to me in front of the rusted tractor. It wasn't a big new tractor that you might see nowadays, it was a small old fashioned one that was once a shiny white, but was now a deep red rust, with the occasional flake of ageing white paint.

***

After we had gotten some more photos, the guests started to arrive, and everyone chatted to each other as waiters and waitresses in black uniforms walked around with trays of canapes, and champagne. "The dress looks so much better than it did when you tried it on," Laurel told me. "Well, it of course looked lovely when you tried it on too, but I think wedding dresses look better on the actual day because the bride has that happy getting married glow about them."

I agreed. When I put on the dress on this morning, it was even prettier than I remembered. The dress was by Vera Wang, and it was absolutely beautiful. It was a halter top, which I had always disliked on wedding dresses, but I really loved this one. The bottom was full and ruffled. The bridesmaids dresses were pastel blue, and knee height. They were strapless and had a sweetheart neckline, had a white sash belt tied in a big bow at the back. Laurel, Zoe, Quinn, and I all had our hair done the same way, loose waves in a low bun with some little diamond pins in our hair, so it looked like we had tiny diamonds scattered through our hair.

The marquee had been decorated beautifully. There were flowers everywhere, and the colours were all whites and creams and pastels. Inside the marquee were tables and chairs for lunch, and the chairs and aisle that Theo and I would walk down were beside the big oak tree, so that it would be in the background.

***

Our friends and family filled the chairs set out in the field, and there was a long white carpet rolled out in the middle of the chairs, leading up to where the marriage officiant was standing at the front. I wanted to laugh as we walked down the aisle, I was so happy. This is what I wanted. To be with Theo.

We reached the front, where the officiant was standing, and Laurel, Quinn, and Zoe were standing behind me on one side, and Matt, who was Theo's best man, behind him on the other.

"Dear friends and family," The officiant said. "We are gathered here, not to witness the beginning of what will be, but rather what already is! We celebrate with Madison Shaw and Theo Hunter the wondrous and joyful commitment they make today, for it is an important and meaningful one. You've both written your own vows, so we'll start with Theo." The officiant said, and Theo took both my hands in his. You could hear the audience say aww, and I couldn't wipe the smile off my face if I tried.

"Madison Shaw," Theo said. "That day in year twelve where we went to the park that we now live across the road from was the best day of my life. Every time I walk on that bridge, I actually laugh because that bridge makes me so happy. You make me so happy. You are an amazing person, and you're so beautiful and strong and kind. And positive. Your strive to find a silver lining for any situation never fails to make me feel better about anything. Being with you everyday makes me the luckiest man alive. Back in year twelve, watching you laugh as we threw the key into the river, that was when I decided I would propose to you one day. I loved you then. And I always will."

Theo's vow was so perfect that we both forgot where we were, and it was just us, holding hands and staring into Theo's bright green eyes.

"And Madison?" The officiant asked with a smile.

"The best thing about you, Theo, is that you are always there. Whether I need a shoulder to cry on, someone to laugh with, or someone to hug, or to build blanket forts with and watch Adventure Time, you're always there. Even in the darker days where I didn't want to get out of bed at all, you were there and that is what I love about you. Every second I spend with you makes me so happy I could fly. Being with you is flying, because I love you."

"By the power vested in me, I pronounce you man and wife."

Me and Theo kissed. It was like fireworks going off, and I was so happy it was all I could do not to laugh as he kissed me.

Being with Theo was flying. It was flying so high, because he made me feel like I could get through anything. It was an explosion of colours and happiness and excitement. Every second I was with him made me a better person. He brought out the best in me. He tried once to explain why he loved me, but I didn't need to know why he loved me, or why I loved him. Just loving was simply enough.

Theo wasn't perfect, and I wasn't perfect, and we definitely didn't have perfect lives, but Theo made me okay with that. Made me want that. Perfect wasn't what I wanted, being with Theo was what I wanted.

There are optimistic people, and pessimistic people. Neither is good, and neither is bad, and while we went through some rough times, being with each other made everything feel positive. Like nothing bad could happen when I was with him. And I loved that about him. Theo was enough to turn the worst situation imaginable good, because he was good.

Those eight awful days, it was Theo that made me keep going. I thought about the tattoo on his hip, the one that says keep going, and I knew that I couldn't give up.
It had scarred me, those eight days, in more ways than I had thought possible. But Theo was patient, and although it took time for the fear to stop after those eight days, it did eventually happen. After a year, Theo could stop the panic attacks. He stopped the fear, and I felt safe again. At first, it was only with him I felt safe, but after a while, it was gone. The constant fear wasn't there anymore.

Being with Theo was like the that night in the first week we started dating, where we snuck out of our houses and met up in the park, the one we now live across from. Theo had a bottle of champagne and the we lay on the damp grass, looking at the stars. We sipped from the bottle because we didn't have any glasses, and the bubbles fizzed inside us, tickling our noses, and making us laugh.
We were drunk that night. Not on the champagne, but on the smell of the damp grass. We were drunk on the stars, drunk on the cool night air, drunk on each other.

I wanted to grow old with Theo, and I knew we'd still be in love at ninety. I didn't want to not fall out of love, because I knew we wouldn't. I wanted to buy a house in the country side with him, and raise children, and then help raise grand children. I wanted to spend forever with him.
Theo made me happy, and made me not worry about the rest of the world.
While the rest of the world and the paparazzi was so interested in our lives, I was only interested in Theo.

*****
Authors note:

It's going to be weird for me not posting this anymore.

What are your thoughts on this story? If you have any criticisms or ideas about it, please comment!
Thank you all (again!) so much for reading this, you're all awesome sauce. Also, I got to 500 reads! (I know it's not a lot, but we all gotta start somewhere, right?)

Ella xx