broken but kicking it

sometimes I think I'll die alone

“So, Mister Carter, what do you think?”, the doctor in front of him put his pen down and looked at him with his impenetrable eyes. “I don’t think I could be actually better, doc. I know I still have a lot of work to do, but I will never go back to where I used to be. I will find a better way to deal with things”, Way forced himself to smile to his lie. He longed for a cig. Maybe a cup of hot coffee. Or a sip of his favourite drug - alcohol. “Well then, you’re free to go. We’re all really glad you finally got on the right track, Way. You just need to sign the release papers here”, the doctor pushed some papers and a pen towards him and Way put his signature on the sheet of paper. His release documents. “You’re a free man now. Remember to visit your psychiatrist, okay? And if you have any problems or struggle, feel free to call back in”, he got up and shook Ways’ hand. Way himself got up after the man let go of him. He didn’t hurry out of the office. A nurse waited for him outside the office and handed him his suitcase. “Your friends are waiting outside. Be a good boy and take your medicine”, she shook his hand and showed him to the glass doors. 

After these doors shut behind him, Way started to run. He hurried to get out of the clinic and as far away as possible from this dreaded building. “Way! Way! Over here!”, outside he heard Bella shouting. He stopped in his tracks and took a deep breath. To calm his busy thoughts down he put on a cigarette with the lighter he just got back and made his way towards his friend. “Hey, how are you?”, Bella reached for his suitcase and stored it into the trunk of her small car. “Fine. I guess. I can’t wait to start living again”, Way scratched his neck and smiled. He couldn’t wait to get his hands on a good cup of coffee. “Meet my brother”, Bella suddenly pushed a young boy in front of him. He had his brown hair cut short and styled in spikes, his green eyes were hidden behind black framed glasses. The guy looked fine, and with a bit of work he could be really handsome. “My name’s Cyanide Jonathan Nightshade, you can call me Cy. Nice to meet you. I’m 17 years old and I play the electronic bass. Do you know any band looking for a bass?”, Cy’s voice was soft and still undeveloped. He wore the school uniform to an all boys’ catholic school, a navy blazer with red hems, a grey pants and black sheas, a white dress shirt with a blue and red tie, on his blazer the emblem of the school held by two lions. Way liked his awkwardness and smiled. “I'm Way Valentine Carter, and I play the guitar a bit and I can sing, but I don’t know any band. Sadly. I’d enjoy making some music”, Way answered and held out his hand. The younger guy shook it. 

“Get in, you can talk about it in the car”, Bella opened the door for the backseat and Cy got in. Way followed him on the backseat and Bella shook her head, but closed the door behind him. She was driving and would have enjoyed his company on shotgun. “Now, why don’t we form a band together? We only need drums. I’m sure we’ll find someone”, Cy looked at him with joy. “I don’t know… I’m not good at the guitar”, Way blushed. He would never be able to play or sing in front of an audience. “We’ll find a guitar”, Cy pulled out his phone. “I’ll post a message to my instagram and maybe someone will have some interest”, he said and started typing. Way slid closer and took a look at Cys’ screen. ‘Looking for a band? We’re two guys from this area and we want to form a band. We still need drums and guitar, but we already have a lead singer and a bass. Message me if interested’ read the post. “Can I link your insta?”, Cy asked. Way gave him his info and Cy did as promised. “Bella, put on some music so our guest can show me his voice”, Cy smiled and patted his sister's shoulder. She was concentrating on the road but turned on the radio nonetheless. Ways’ hands got sweaty and he was hot and cold all of a sudden. Nervousness took hold of him and he started shaking. He didn’t want to sing, he didn’t want to fuck up, he didn’t want to dissapoint Cy. Some alcohol could save the situation. “I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones Enough to make my systems blow Welcome to the new age, to the new age Welcome to the new age, to the new age Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, oh, I'm radioactive, radioactive Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, oh, I'm radioactive, radioactive I raise my flags, don my clothesIt's a revolution, I suppose We'll paint it red to fit right in” Way was shaky at the beginning, but he decided that he could still kill himself if he would fail. Death was still an option. But Cy seemed to be surprised. Even Bella applauded him after he finished.

“You’re really good. Where did you learn to sing like that? I didn’t know!” Bella seemed to be blown away by his performance. “I used to hang with this band, Shot in the driveway. I met their rhythm guitar, Tony Rossi my first time in the clinics. After our early release due to our lack of money, we became roomies and I was invited to hang out with him and his band. Their singer, Dior, taught me how to sing properly. He got singing lessons back in his childhood. Tony and Micky had taught me how to play, but I wasn’t any good once I had to sing simultaneously”, Way just bubbled over and talked quickly. “You hung with them? I liked their music! I was hoping to see them in concert but my parents forbid me since I got in trouble around the time they still had shows around here”, Cy pushed his glasses up his nose. “Did you know Tony was born in Italy? Does his accent sound funny?” Cys’ interest in the band caught Way off guard and he retracted again. He turned away from the younger boy and blushed. His hands started shaking and he put them between his knees to make them stop. “He’s very nice”, Way whispered. Tony wasn't nice all the time. He was an angry drunk, an aggressive alcoholic who bashed his guitar on the head of his fans if one pissed him off. He wanted to fight all the time if he drank and had hit Way more than once. Way didn’t fight back and much rather shook off the pain and laughed at the situation. He considered himself more alive when drunk, more like himself, less shy and awkward, less stuck up and uptight. “We should hang with them. Can you call them?”Cy slipped closer to Way and reached for Way's phone in his pocket. “That’s not a good idea, Cy”, Bella stopped her younger brother. “Why not? We want to be a band. We should find ourselves some mentors” Cy pouted and crossed his arms. “Give him some space, okay? He just got released from a recovery centre. After he adjusted himself, you two can go out and hang with whomever you want. But don’t force him in any way. Remember what I told you about Way” Bella was scolding the boy. Cy sat back into his seat. “He’s a kind and sensible one who went through a lot. I know, I know. Sorry Way. I just want us two to get along”, Cy turned to him and smiled. “It’s fine. Thanks. We will become best of friends. I’m sure”, he looked at the younger boy with hope. Cy was probably the first real friend he made for himself without Bellas help. 

They arrived at a tall, modern building and together they made their way inside. On the 4th floor they had to get out of the elevator and Bella opened the door to an apartment. “Welcome in your new home”, she greeted and let them inside. Way followed Cy in and got out his shoes. The living room in front of them was bright and well lit, modern decor and subtle colours put the room together nicely. “That’s the bathroom and here’s your room. Mine is to the right, if you need me in any way. But I’ll let you get settled in” Cy showed him down a short hall and opened the room to a door on the left. Way dragged his suitcase behind him into the room and nodded at Cy before closing the door. The bed was pushed to a wall, a big window at the end of it, the headboard against a wall decorated by a big picture of a forest. On the same wall stood a desk and in front of it a plastic chair. Way took off his coat and hung it onto the chair. He placed his suitcase onto the bed and opened it. The Wardrobe was on the opposite wall of the bed and a big mirror covered its doors. Way opened them and started to unpack. He didn’t own much and he would need to go shopping soon because most of his clothes didn’t fit him anymore. He had put on some weight ever since he started school again.