broken but kicking it

don't stop if I fall and don't look back

And by some miracle Way got actually better. Between school and therapy he didn't have much time to feel bad for himself. It was going better each day, and one fateful morning he woke up knowing he'd be released after school. That day, he finally decided to tell his new friends about his stay at the clinic. He took their first break and hurried them to follow him off the schools' premises. "Listen, I have to tell you the truth", he fiddled with his cigarettes and Bella went ahead and helped him. SHe pulled one out and put it between his lips. Max took his lighter and lit it on fire. The cold smoke calmed his mind down, as always. "I've been dodging your invitations for quite a while now, but that's over", Way finally found the strength to talk about it. "I'll be released from the recovery centre I'm staying at. Today after school I'll be released. I'll have to check in after school for a last check up with the doctors and I'll have to arrange a new schedule with my therapist, but after that I'll be free to go. My parents don't want me at home so I'll have to find a place to stay. I'll find something" Way felt good opening up. His secret had been eating him up and the release lifted his spirits. "Wait, recovery centre? For what?", Bella looked confused. "Suicidal, anorexia, depression, self harm and addiction", Way sighed deeply. He didn't care anymore if they'd know what he did. He just wanted out of that dreadful place. "Oh, you could stay with us", Ari hugged Max and smiled nicely at Way. "Uhm guys, no offense, but I'd rather not '', Way stepped backwards and held up his hands. "Stay with me. We'll figure something out", Bella took one of his hands. Her big green eyes begged him to say yes. Way nodded. "That's fine with me", Way decided a small smile wouldn't hurt. "I'll pick up my brother after school and we'll pick you up after your appointments", Bella went to hug him and Way dropped his arms and let it happen. It didn't feel as bad as he expected it to be. Still, the uneasy feeling let him slip out of the hug pretty soon. Bella just smiled at him and grabbed his wrist.

Together they returned to class. This time it was a practical drawing class and Way took his seat next to Bella and pulled out his supplies. He had his pencil case and the drawing pad in front of him and pulled out his water bottle in case he needed something to drink. On top of the drawing pad Way put the drawing tablet his parents got him for his classes. He liked to use it and drew all kinds of things on him, everything in between manga and portraits of his friends. "I have to go to the bathroom, would you excuse me Way?", Bella got up and left him alone. Way looked into his lap. He didn't want anyone to niótice him. Without Bella he was defenseless. "Look what we have here. A stray gay", Way recognised the voice of the girl who called him fag on his first day. He didn't dare to look up. "You know it's rude not to look people in the face when talking with them?", the girl hissed and pulled his head on his hair back. Her blue eyes sparkled amused. Her grin showed her teeth and her face looked like a halloween mask. She scared him. Way stared at her in fear. "I'm not talking to you", he whispered. He feared the consequences of his comment and closed his eyes, expecting a hit. The girl didn't hit him immediately and relieved he opened his eyes. The hit came unexpectedly and squared in his face. She scratched him over his eyes and Way squealed in pain. "What the hell, Alexa?", Bellas voice let the girl turn around and her friends rallied around her. The laughing wouldn't die down and Way felt the hits from Alexas friends against his legs. He'd be glad if he didn't get bruises from it. "Fat fuck", he heard someone in his back whisper. "Why don't you relieve us from your existence and kill yourself, faggot?", someone else said and hit him on the back of his head. "Noone wants you here", another said and the comments about his weight, his sexual orientation and his overall existence.

Way felt like he couldn't escape. And their comments burned themselves into his brain. The anger inside him boiled over and Way got up and hit his fists on the table in front of him. Sudden silence fell around him. The blood from the scratch now streamed over his mouth and with a bitter smile Way opened his eyes and grinned. He looked directly into Alexas face and the fear in her eyes let her lips tremble. "I... I...", her voice went squeaky and cracked. "You what? Didn't mean it? What are you afraid of, Alexa? Are you afraid of the fag? Afraid he might do something against your cruelty?", Bella stepped up to Way and put her hand on his lower back. "If I were you, I'd scramble", Way growled and sat down again. Bella fixated Alexa, who didn't dare to say anything. She put her head down and hurried off to her seat. Her friends left them even faster. Bella sat down next to Way and tried to hug him, but the guy pushed her away. He was shaken with fear and tears streamed down his face and mixed in with the blood. "We need to clean you up", Bella whispered. She held a tissue out for him and Way took it and dried his eyes with it. "Your collar", Bella pointed at the white dress shirt he wore and tried to wash out the blood with another tissue. "It's okay, Bella", Way pulled her hands off him and smiled. "It's alright", he whispered. She saw the hurt in his eyes and felt like she could see them breaking.

"You're still a fucking fag", the comment hit him right in the heart. The guy who said it sat down in front of him and with a smug smile he turned back to his friend next to him and talked about something else. Bella touched Ways' arm and tried to soothe his pain, but instead she felt him shattering. All this pain, this dread, the regret inside him, the hatred and disgust for himself made her sick to the stomach. She pulled back her hand and got up. Just in time she reached the toilet and vomited into the white porcelain bowl. "Are you alright?"Ari's voice surprised her. She got up and nodded. Without a comment she went to wash out her mouth and turned to her friend. The tears started to dwell up in her eyes and with a sob she fell into Aris' arms. "Oh god, Ari I've never felt anything like it", she sobbed. "It's alright, just tell me what's up", reassuring her that she wasn't alone she stroked the other girls back and pulled her off her. Ári looked into Bella's eyes. "I have these strong empathic feelings and there were people bullying Way and I just tried to calm him down but... he's in so much pain, Ari", Bella sobbed again and with the back of her hand she wiped away some tears. "I touched him, but he's all shattered and broken. He hates himself, he's disgusted and angry at himself. I think he regrets not dying", Bella hugged her friend again and Ari tried her best to calm her down.

The teacher meanwhile started the class and Way acted as if nothing had happened. He concentrated on his teacher who explained their next project - superheros. "Each of you has to design one, and complete it with a backstory and maybe even link to your classmates' projects", The teacher concluded his assignment and sat back down on his chair in front of the class. Rustling and whispering went through the class and Way watched his classmates break out in busy talkative disorder. Way sat there, on his chair, paralyzed. His classmates' comments echoed in his head making him almost numb to all outside stimulation. He didn't wonder where Bella had run off or even why. He just didn't feel or think anything. The only thing on his mind were his classmates' comments. Sure he had put on weight, he wasn't sickly thin anymore and he liked himself with his new, soft features. His face was rounder again, not a mere skull anymore. He couldn't count his ribs anymore or Put his hands clean around his wrist anymore. His knees weren't knobbly and big compared to his legs and he looked like a healthy guy, not the skeleton he used to be. So where was that fat they mentioned? Didn't he put on healthy weight? Was it all just useless fat? Wasn't he meant to look like this? Was he really fat? Instinctively he pinched his stomach and thighs to see how fat he's gotten. He could feel the anorexia creeping up, the need to starve slowly rising. He swallowed hard. The only thing saving him would be selfharm. He reached for his pencil case and played with the pencil sharpener in it. He knew he was breaking again. Way could feel the cracks in his perfectly manufactured mask he used to wear nowadays. There was no saving him anymore. He had started his way down again.