broken but kicking it

as if somebody was gripping my throat

He quickly left the premises and pulled out his smokes and lighter. In the shadow behind the school’s building he leaned against the wall and lit one on fire. With a deep sight he slid down the wall and sat on the dirty road. He was clean of pills and alcohol, but the smoking habit stayed, and his doctors allowed him to smoke. HIs parents probably paid them off. “Way Valentine Carter. That’s a fucking weird name”, Max interrupted his solitude and sat down next to him. “Can I get one?”, he asked and Way offered him one. He didn’t mind the tall dude. Max had a relaxing effect on him. They smoked in silence, each was giving the other the space needed. “You should get that covered”, Max finally broke the silence and pointed at Ways’ wrists. Way looked down. He felt hot and embarrassed. Quickly he pulled down his sleeves and tried not to panic. Max sure didn’t mind, did he? “Don’t worry. I self harmed when I was younger. They said a black guy couldn’t be metal”, Max pulled up his sleeve and showed Way the fine lines on his left arm. A sign of the pain the much taller guy had gone through and a first connection to the stranger. “You like metal?” Way asked him, surprised. He reached out to Max’ arm and traced the guys’ scars with his cold, white fingers. “I got into it at a young age. I grew up with my aunt, her white husband and my cousin Leland. Le’s father was a big metal fan and he teached me to play the guitar. I started lessons after my seventh birthday”, Max seemed happy to talk about his hobby. “Why’d you grow up with your aunt?” Way wondered what might have happened to his parents. “Well, my father left when I wasn’t even born yet and she was a criminal and got arrested before I was even four years old. They cared for me and everything, but people somehow found out what she did and I wasn’t the typical black guy so I was a big target for bullies. I got through this shit”, Max shrugged and put out his cigarette. He got up and offered Way a hand. Way took it and let himself be dragged up by Max. “You should deal with your pain, dude”, Max pat Ways’ back and looked at him with compassion and understanding. Way threw away his cigarette stubble and pulled a second one out. Even thinking about it made him feel uncomfortable, angry and stressed out. He lit it on fire and the cold smoke filled his lungs. The smoke emitted from his lips drew clouds into the air and Way watched them disappear. “Let’s get back to the girls”, he evaded Max’ offer and went ahead, the lit cigarette between his fingers. Between steps he took a drag of the cigarette.

Once they reached the girls at the bench they left them, the break time was already over. Way followed Bella, with whom he’d share today's classes. She was telling him about the progress her brother made in his bass playing and boosted his abilities a lot. “...he’s looking for a group to play in, ya know? He’s telling me about all these auditions he likes to go to, but they all say he’s too young. He just wants to play in a rock band”, she babbled on about her brother. A sudden hit in Ways back let him stumble forwards and fall to his knees. “Go kill yourself, faggot”, a girl shouted as she hurried oof ahead of them. “You’re a fucking bitch!”, Bella shouted after her. She knelt next to Way and put her hand on his shoulder. Her touch eased the pain in his heart, but his hands and knees hurt even more. Way let himself be helped up by Bella and together they hurried into a bathroom. Noone was in there and they were all alone. “This ugly bitch deserves to die, don’t you think, Way?”, angrily Bella kicked the stall doors so they’d open with a loud bang. Way stood in front of a mirror, the hands underneath a jet of water, His palms were red and hurt, but his knees were worse. His black jeans were ripped at the knees and blood ran down his legs. “She’s right, you know. I should just fucking die”, Way laughed a hollow laugh. It didn’t reach his eyes. They started back at him through the mirror, brown and without any shine, without the will to live Way was already halfway dead. “You’re not going to kill yourself again, are you?”, Bella stepped to his side and turned the water down. Sudden anger rose in him and he turned to Bella. “Well what else is there left for me, Bella? This shitty life? I’m fucking gay! They want me dead and I don’t want to live anymore”, he hit the mirror with his fist and the glass gave in and shattered. The cracks in the mirror spanning out from the impact of his fist looked like cobwebs. “Let’s just go”, Bellas voice was hoarse and flat. She grabbed his wrist and dragged him out of the room.

The day went by just like any other. Way was depressed and angry for the next class and didn’t talk to Bella and she didn’t even look at him. She was typing on her phone a lot, but Way didn’t care. In their next and last class for the day Bella finally asked him if he’d ever killed himself more than that one time. “One time. I tried to hang myself but the cleaning lady found and saved me. I used to drink and take pills and I was suicidal for a long time”, Way pulled down his hoodie to show her the owl that wrapped around his throat and hid the dark mark left by the belt he used to hang himself. Bella traced the owl and felt the scar. “Oh. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you that hard. It’s just, I like you, Way. You’re a cool dude and I think I wanna be friends with you. I don’t wanna lose you like this”, she admitted. “Thanks. I think you’re nice. Maybe a bit extroverted, but I don’t mind”, Way held out his hand. “Let’s be friends”, he whispered and gave her a wink. Bella high fived him and grinned. “Hell yes motherfucker”, she cheered.