Dangerous Insecurities

Chapter one

It wasn't the sound of my alarm clock screeching loudly from beside my bed that woke me up. No -- It was the sound of mum crying in the room next to mine.

She had been with yet another guy last night, but they had gotten into a fight in the middle of the night so he had left. When was mum going to see?  The men came and went around this place so much that I lost count of how many sets of feet had passed over our dirty doorstep. You'd think that by now mum would be used to the guys leaving. Nope. Every time someone left, she cried. And cried and cried an cried.  

Sometimes it took two days to get over her last 'fling'. When i say it takes two days to 'get over', I  actually mean it takes two days to find another man. Was my Mother blind? She thought these men loved her, but they didnt; they merely loved what she had to give. When would she understand? It made me crazy to sit there and just listen to her cry so i got up and pulled on my robe. Yeah, I knew it was wrong to go into to where she was. Her room was 'forbidden'. For me, anyway. The same rules didn't apply for the guys, just me. I suppose I should be grateful. Did I really want to go in there? No, definitely not. But I had to; I couldn't just sit there silently listening to her cry.

I walked slowly over to my vanity. I was too scared to look in the mirror so I went straight into my top draw and pulled out my contact lenses. I put them in blindly, still not wanting to see my reflection. I grabbed my brush and was just about to start detangling the jungle of hair that sat on top of my head, but mums sobs grew louder and louder. I sighed and set the brush down. Tightening my robe, i walked out of the comfort of my room and headed towards hers.

While I was walking I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection of a nearby photo frame. Ugh. My black hair was tangled more than usual. No doubt from all the tossing and turning I'd done last night. Trying to get to sleep while your mother is busy all night is not easy. You could see that my eyes were bloodshot even from behind my coloured contacts. I stopped walking and glared at my reflection. My mother was beautiful and my father had been incredibly handsome. How had I ended up looking like I did? My eyes welled with tears. Why was I such a freak?

I jerked my gaze away from the freak in the reflection and strolled over to mums bedroom. I stopped out the front of her door, not sure if I should go in. I pressed my ear up to the door, listening. She sounded terrible.

I twisted the knob hesitantly and stepped inside her room. I closed the door behind me and just stood awkwardly off to the side. She must have heard me enter the room, but she didn't care. She had other things to worry about then her 'worthless daughter'.

Her hair was a mess. Worse than mine. And trust me; that's saying something. She sat in the middle of her bed, her legs drawn up to her chest as she hugged her narrow body, sobbing into her arms that were wrapped around her thin legs. She'd lost more weight... Obviously in an attempt to make her look sexier. It didn't. It just made her look like a stick. Maybe that was considered hot? I wouldn't know. I glanced down at my chunky body, jealousy exploding inside of my chest. I pushed away my insecurities and walked over to mum.

I sat on the bed in front of her, crossing my legs and putting my hands in my lap. She didn't look up.

"Mum?" I whispered.

There was no response. I tried again.

"Mum? Please look at me?" I begged.

She shook her head, refusing to look up. I pulled one of my hands out from my lap and placed it gently on her cheek. She jerked her head away from my touch and flew backwards on the bed, pressing her back against the backboard. She looked even worse face-on . Eyeliner from the night before was running, and her lip stick was smudged. There was a light purple bruise forming under her left eye. He had hit her.

"How could you let him do that to you?" I asked horrified.

Her hand slid up to her face and she gingery pressed against the bruise, wincing when she applied more pressure. She looked up at me and anger flashed in her pretty green eyes

She stood up and walked towards me. I slid to the edge of the bed and sat up straight, expecting her to hug me. Instead she slapped me across the face. Hard.

I gasped, more shocked then hurt.

"What was that for?" I shrieked, moving further away from her.

Anger flashed again in her eyes but she didn't come any closer.

"That," She said, "Is for making Don Leave! He left because of you, you stupid little bitch!" She screamed.

Bad language aside, I almost laughed. I almost laughed; surprised that she knew his name. I hadn't expected that. But then I gasped again. Me? I'd made him leave? Right. I'd stayed in my room all night not making a sound!

"How is him leaving my fault!?" I screamed back.

She looked shocked. Normally whenever she hit me or swore at me I would go and leave her alone. Not today. I was over it.

"Because he found out I have a daughter!" She hissed.

Oh yes. Her giving birth to me was obviously my fault. She walked over to me, fury setting her green eyes blazing. I cringed backwards and waited for her hand to connect with my face.

She made it a good one. A back hand, her bony knuckles connecting with my nose. I heard a crack but I ignored it, shocked that's she'd punched me. Sure she hit me all the time, but usually it was only a small slap that didn't really hurt and never left a mark. This was going to leave a mark. Blood started to trickle down over my lips. I hastily wiped it away, wincing when my arm knocked my nose. She smiled seeing my pain.

"And what was that for?" I whispered, scared to say more.

Her smile widened.

"That was for talking back. Now go get ready for school." she barked, turning around and walking into her bathroom.

No hug. No apology. Things were getting worse. I sighed and walked out of her room and back into mine, getting ready for what was sure to be a very long day.

I got dressed in the first clothes I could find, which turned out to be some jeans and a bad t-shirt. I grabbed my brush and started pulling it through my hair, attempting to make it look good. It was a lost cause though, so I grabbed a hair tie off the floor and put it up into a tight bun on top of my head.

I snatched my bag off the floor and with one last look in the mirror, walked out to the kitchen. Hopefully mum wouldn't be there. All hope was soon crushed when I walked around the corner and saw her sitting on the bench with the phone in her hand. Her make-up had been reapplied and she had on fresh clothes. She looked up as I entered and waved her hands around, gesturing for me to get out. Nice. I grabbed a bowl from the cupboard, slamming the door loudly when i closed it. Mum looked up glaring, but I ignored her. I went to the fridge and got out the milk, then I grabbed the cereal of the counter. I 'Accidently' dropped the box, which popped loudly when it clattered to the floor. I looked up at mum and smiled innocently. Yeah, I was going to pay for it when she was off the phone, but I honestly didn't care.

After I was finished eating my breakfast I walked hesitantly into the kitchen, poking my head around the corner to see where mum was, she wasn't there. I sighed and walked over to do my dishes. My watch beeped, signaling that it was time to leave for school. I groaned loudly and picked up my bag walking towards the door.

I passed mum on my way out and she looked up. I stopped, not sure what to do. She looked me up and down, eyes narrowing. She glanced back up at me and her face wore an expression of disgust. I rolled my eyes kept walking.

"Wait" She huffed. I stopped dead in my tracks and turned around, not speaking. She tapped her nose and pointed to me.

"You fell out of bed this morning, remember."

I had no time for her today so I just rolled my eyes again and walked out the door, grabbing my jacket on the way out.