Sing to me

Sing to me: Chapter 8

“The door is open,” Warda’s voice floated through the wood. Josh entered, taking in every little detail of her home. It was bright and very colorful. The foyer was brilliantly yellow, the walls adorned with black and white pictures of Warda with her family. He stared a moment longer than needed and Warda’s called again, “got lost, have you?”

Josh laughed out loud as he entered the living room. He was assaulted again by the amount of color she fit into her life. The wall behind the couch Warda was sitting on was Fuchsia; the couch itself was ink blue.

“I like color, it makes me happy.” Warda said, bringing his attention back to her.

“Yeah I can see that. You shouldn’t leave your door open by the way.” He said, sitting down across from her.

Warda shrugged, sitting up straighter, turning off the television. “I didn’t feel like moving a lot today so I left my door open.” She rested her elbows on her knees and cupped her face in her hands. “How are you?”

It was Josh’s turn to shrug, “It was tough, I assisted on a Kidney transplant, I don’t think it went well.” He sighed, suddenly feeling exhausted. “How was yours?”

Warda stared at him for a moment and Josh thought that she might cry. Her shoulders sagged and she sucked in a breath but the very next moment is was all gone. Warda clenched her teeth and smiled a half smile. “It was okay, long day of paint and color.”

“You don’t look too happy?”

Warda looked at him with her head slightly inclined, still smiling a little. She licked her lips and turned away. “Let go to the beach.”

Josh frowned in irritation, she was avoiding talking to him and it made him feel left out. As if she knew a secret he did not. He was about to refuse when she said “please.”

And Josh found himself getting up, helping her with his coat and walking out to the beach. At some point, she slipped her hand into his and they walked down to the sand in silence.

-

“Do you think we matter, Josh? Do you think we matter in the grand scheme of things?”

Josh stared at Warda, her usual cheerfulness was gone and she looked….lost.  As she stared at the water, gathering her limbs closer to herself and he stared at her, Josh wondered what changed.

“It is kind of hard to believe that all we are here to do is eat, sleep, work and die.”

“Do you believe in God?” Josh asked.

“Yeah I do. I spent enough time in the Middle East to think that they are on to something. Don’t you wish you had peace?”

Josh knew in the back of his head that there was a sequence to everything she was saying but like Sudoku, he couldn’t put it into perspective yet. Warda’s eyes turned cloudy as the sky became dark. She turned to look at him, a slight frown burrowing her brow. She sighed and her shoulders fell almost imperceptibly. Josh moved closer to her.

“Believing that every human being matters makes things a lot easier.”

“Why would you believe something you have no proof of?”Said Warda and Josh could have sworn he saw a slight flash of anger across Warda’s face.

“Don’t we believe in things we have no proof of, all the time, God, the Big Bang Theory, angels? We all have things we believe in either for redemption or for peace...I suppose.” Josh paused, not knowing what to say.

Warda was still looking straight ahead. He couldn’t whether she was even listening to him or not. Josh felt the need to pull her back. She was, at that moment, floating away from. And he desperately needed to anchor her back to reality. But he just sat there, on a deserted stretch of beach feeling like they were strangers again. A few moments passed and Warda’s phone rang. She pulled it out to answer and the spell was broken. They both came back to the present.

Josh listened to her talk about paint colors and tried not to stare at her profile.

“Hey I am sorry I have to get to work…” Warda trailed off.

There was that feeling again, as if he was abandoned. He folded his arms on his knees and replied without turning around, “sure.” Warda stood behind him for a moment longer; he could feel her gaze on his back.

Not for the first time, Josh felt like Warda wouldn’t let him in. He was smitten with her, he knew that much but while she was perfect on the surface, she let on very little about what went on inside. Warda confused him and intrigued him in equal measures, but on days like today, he wanted someone to simply talk to, not a puzzle to solve.

Josh sat on the beach for a while longer, before retrieving his car from her house and driving back home, feeling like he was leaving something important behind.

-

The next few days every time he felt the urge to call Warda, he would message Anna instead. Slowly, he was getting to know his sister all over again. Anna had the gift of the gab and she managed to distract him. There were times when Josh just wanted to tell Anna about Warda. But he didn’t. That was a secret he wanted to unknowingly guard.

“Come to the graveyard with me.”

“I don’t think I can do it, Anna.”

“Not for him, for mom Josh.” Anna’s voice was pleading.

Josh sighed, he needed to go see his mother’s grave, he just didn’t want to see the grave next to it.

“I’ll come. Pick me in the morning, I don’t feel like driving.”

-

As they walked through the graveyard, Josh found himself dreading it more and more. His mother’s grave was fresh, there were flowers on it. Probably because of Anna, Josh thought. He inclined his body so that he didn’t look at the one next to it. Beloved mother is what her headstone said. He forced himself to look at the other one. John Adams, it was a simple headstone. No inscription. Anna was sitting on her hunches, pulling out weeds. He just stared at the two, pushing his hands deeper into his pockets. They stayed there a while longer, Josh just standing useless as Anna laid out fresh flowers and pulled out weeds. Neither one of them said a word. It was when they were walking back that Anna spoke.

“He changed when he got out of prison.”

“He was an abusive son of bi**h, that is how I knew him and that is how want to remember him. I came here because you wanted me to Anna, but I am not obligated to change the way I think about him.” Josh ground out from between his teeth.

Anna recoiled and he instantly felt sorry. She wasn’t at fault. She had known a different person as her father than he did.

“I am sorry,” he awkwardly put his arm around her shoulders, giving her a one armed hug, releasing almost immediately. Anna and Josh were not the physically affectionate siblings.

Anna smiled at him, her blue eyes warm. “It’s okay. I can’t understand what you went through, I shouldn’t be judging you.”

-

That night Warda called him, twice, he stared at his phone till it stopped ringing both times and waited almost viciously to see if she would call again. Then feeling bad, he messaged her that he was busy. Josh was far too tired to deal with anything, let alone Warda and her complexities.

‘I am kind of busy, talk to you later?’

‘You are avoiding me.’ Warda answered.

‘I suppose we both do it then, avoid things.’

As soon as he sent that message, he felt bad. Josh was not a mean person. Warda had every right to keep her personal problems to herself.

‘I am sorry.’ Came the reply and he stared at the screen, confused. She still wasn’t willing to surrender any information. Josh sighed. If he replied, they might get into an argument he had no energy for. He didn’t even know what they were. He had no idea how to define them. He would feel a connection and Warda would sever it. Letting his head fall down on the pillow, he threw an arm over his eyes, letting the thoughts of his parents consume him.