Thinking Out Loud (A Kian Lawley Fanfic)

♡ Fast-Foward ♡

•••Chapter 2•••

"Do you ever feel out of place? Like somehow you just don't belong, and know one understands you. Do you ever wanna run away?"

•••••♡•••••

*15 Years Prior*

"Kian, you look funny!" I giggled as I smushed a cupcake in his face, he looked so cute, I mean like I don't like like him, oh who am I kidding, he's adorable!

"Mrs. Brown! Alexis threw a cupcake at me!" Mrs. Brown knew what I was up too, and she doesn't let this kind of stuff slide. Maybe it was because her husband hated her?

No not the time nor place to discuss this kind of stuff.

"Alexis! Stop being so irresponsible! No wonder nobody talks to you! You're just so mean!" I honestly don't care what she says, I know what 'flirting' is. Duh.

I kept on giggling as I teased him a hundred different ways, I mean you tease someone when you like them, at least that was what I was taught. I've always been told that my whole life. I mean, I'm only eight. It's not that long of a life.

What I mean is, that's what my cousin used to tell me. He always reminded me of that when my parents would fight. When you like someone you can be mean and cruel cause it's a form of 'flirting' but I'm not love expert.

My cousin was good at telling me about the real world.

*4 Years Later*

"Hey look! It's lexi the baker!" I ran away as the group of boys continued to laugh at me. I had talked to teachers about the bullying, but they didn't care. It was every man for themselves in this hell hole.

"Hey Lexi! Why don't you eat a little less? Your so fuckin fat! Thunder thighs!" The group continued to laugh.

"JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" I screamed while the tears rushed down my face. I saw my math teacher walk pass, she saw me crying and just shook her head as she got into her car and drove off.

That's the thing with teachers. When the principle of your parents or any adult is around, they care. But once there're off the clock, it's every man for themselves.

I grabbed my bike off the old rusted rack, I climbed up and rode off. Their mocking tones and harsh words faded in the distance.

*at home*

slice "you're worthless"

cut "you're fat"

slice "you're stupid"

stab "you should go die"

I whispered quietly to myself as the blood slowly dripped down my wrist.

Many people tend to glamorize cutting. But actually no, it is painful. However, this pain helps me forget about the others pains I feel in my life.

I sat at the edge of my window sill and wrote in my journal I had kept since I was seven. I've done pretty good. Most people can't write about their lives daily for almost seven years. It takes a certain kind of motivation that for some reason I have.

I only write about personal things, and also Kian. I constantly thought about him. I never knew why he hated me. I've always liked him. Like always. He was my first crush. And I hope he's my last.

"Alexis! Get the fuck down here!"

Don't go. Their drunk.

"I said get down here!"

If you ignore them, they will forget.

"Alexis? Why the fuck- oh my god."

She saw the cuts on my arm, she wasn't drunk. Just worried now, she grabbed me by my other arm and dragged me downstairs.

"What the hell? What's happening in your life that is so miserable?" I just shook my head, my parents weren't exactly understanding. Like, they'll act it in front of people but when it's just me they'll make fun of people who have depression or anxiety.

"Oh my god you are a fuckin mistake! Why would you ever do something like this? Trying to be some kind of attention whore? Oh my god I should have gotten rid of you when I had the chance!"

They've made themselves seem so perfect. And I'm just the mistake.

Nobody knows about their true evil, just me. I'm the cause of it.

Let me explain a little more, my parents don't want kids, they've made it very clear to me. My dad told me when I was seven that they wanted an abortion but their doctor refused to do it. So they had me under strong protest. At first they thought they could drop me off on a doorstep of some orphanage. But for them, the closest one was out of state. So they kept me, even though I know they don't care about me.

"Get her to the hospital, they'll try to blame this on us if we let her stay!" My dad carried me and then threw me in the car. Like actually threw me.

My cousin Sam met me at the hospital, since my parents left right away. He was one of Kian's best friends I might add.

"Now listen kid, I promise you, everything will be all good in the end."

I felt tears in my eyes, I was scared. I'm pretty sure my parents weren't coming back.

"And what if it's not?" I choked out.

"Then you're gonna have one hell of a life, kiddo." He was only a year older than me, but I still let him call me kid. He was the adult figure in my life. So that's pretty sad knowing he's the one I look up to.

Everything was a blur after that, doctors and hospitals and hatred towards my parents for the endless therapy sessions.

The only thing I could remember was those piercing brown eyes. They spelled hatred and greed. But in this weird way, they felt like home. To be more specific an abandoned home, one that's lost its spark and doesn't want anyone inside.

Just let him go, then you'll be okay.

Okay

Good.

Maybe if I die it will all be okay.

♡