Fall of Empires

Chapter 21

Anna moved closer to the fire and wrapped her arms about her. The nights had turned colder in recent days and she was glad of the change in camping arrangements in which their captors had allowed the women to sleep on the ground beside the wagons and had lit fires to keep them warm. She had not understood the change at first but then had caught a conversation between two of the Persians concerning the reduced risk of being stung by a scorpion when sleeping on the ground now that the winter was setting in. She had assumed their being forced to sleep in the wagons had been merely cruel insensitivity on the part of their captors. It gave her some small comfort that it was not. 

Beside her Antonina snored gently. Anna absent-mindedly stroked her young cousin’s hair as she gazed into the flames and contemplated the grim prospect of their future. Since her conversation with Ruth at the river her ability to shut out the thoughts of her eventual fate had been shaken. She often found herself sucked into a dark spiral of dread at what could lay ahead. She had also broken another of her rules in allowing herself to think often of Theophanes as her journey across the flat Mesopotamian plain took her further and further away from him. She would spend what seemed like hours trying to recall every detail of his face, only for the image to dissolve once more into an indistinct blur, like a reflection in water. She did not know any more how long it had been since she had last seen his face. She would never see him again.
Every time she forced herself to confront that reality was like driving a knife into her flesh, but at times she repeated it over and over in her mind, trying to drive the thought home and make herself accept it at last. It never seemed to hurt any less and somewhere deep within her remained a stubborn and futile hope that refused to let go. She wished that it would and then hated herself for wishing it. Somehow in her mind, she must let go of her past, or the overwhelming loss would drive her mad.
On an impulse, Anna decided to go in search of Ruth. The women were allowed to move around freely between the fires and seek out acquaintances and so she pushed herself wearily to her feet and set off in search of her friend.

After wandering for a time, seeking out familiar faces in the dim light, she came across Shimon’s daughter. Ruth greeted her with a thin smile and beckoned her to sit.
‘Anna, how are you?’

‘I am surviving, Ruth, thank you. How is Esther?’

Ruth shook her head sadly.

‘She died some days ago, in the night. They let us bury her. It was peaceful in the end.’

‘I am sorry, Ruth,’ Anna replied.

‘Do not be. Soon we shall all be with her.’
At first Anna assumed that this response was merely due to Ruth’s usual gloomy disposition but then she observed the calm assurance in the Jewish girl’s eyes.’

‘What do you mean, Ruth?’

‘We have decided it amongst ourselves, Anna. We have spoken to each other and passed the message around the camp. You have not heard of this?’

‘I have not.’ Anna felt a shiver that was not from the cold and did not know if she wished to hear what Ruth was about to whisper to her, as her friend moved in closer.

‘Soon we will reach another great river, the Tigris,’ Ruth explained. ‘When the Persians permit us to bathe as they did before, we have steeled ourselves to destruction. We shall walk into the waters and take leave of this world. It is preferable to the life of dishonour that awaits us.’

Anna gasped and fought back the urge to vomit. Ruth fixed her with an expectant gaze, with a firmness of purpose that had been quite absent when last they had met.

‘Will you join us in this, Anna?’ Ruth asked her.

‘Antonina…’ Anna began but Ruth cut her off.

‘What better mercy could you show that child?’ Ruth whispered harshly, her fingers digging into Anna’s shoulders as she tried to prevail upon her. ‘You can guide her into the waters, into the sanctuary of oblivion, safe from the terrors and miseries of this world. It will be a kindness, Anna. All that we had is lost. All that lies ahead for us is shame and pain.’

‘Our fate may not be so terrible,’ Anna replied, trying to convince herself more than Ruth.

Ruth’s eyes flashed with bitter anger.
‘What do you know of the brutality of men, Anna? I heard my mother’s screams as Romanus’ men raped her. Many of these girls were violated on the night they attacked us. Some are with child. What do you think the Persians will do with the babies when they are born? They can hardly present the Turks with those can they? Better that they are never born. Better that we all die with them.’

Anna slumped as the truth of Ruth’s words hit home. She leaned her head against Ruth’s shoulder and felt her friend’s arms around her. How things had changed from their last meeting, she thought to herself. Now Ruth had a purpose. Even if it was only to embrace death, the decision had given her strength. Anna tried to draw a similar strength from the idea of reclaiming control of her own fate. It would be easier surely, easier than struggling on, easier than trying to banish the memories of her former life, of Theophanes. It would be an end.

At last she spoke again.
‘I will do it, Ruth. Thank you for telling me of this. For making me see the truth.’

At last Anna took her leave and made her way back towards her own sleeping place. She staggered as if intoxicated, her head filled with rushing blackness. She tried to find in her mind a way to refute the truth of Ruth’s words, to find a reason to continue the struggle, but she could not. She looked down at the sleeping Antonina and tears pricked at her eyes at the thought of what she must do. How little of life the girl had known. How little she had known herself. At least she had known love, she thought to herself, if only for a short but precious time.
As she laid down to sleep she tried once more to summon Theophanes’ features in her mind and succeeded for a moment in recollecting his face, as she pictured him smiling at her as they lay together amongst the rolls of silk.

She spoke aloud as she saw him in her mind’s eye.

‘I must let go of you, my love. I think at last I have found a way.’