Jack City

Until This Moment

Late that same evening, I lay in bed trying desperately to fall asleep but failing miserably. After a day of rollercoaster emotions, I should have been thinking of my best friend but I kept envisioning Keta’s hard stare. I imagined she was looking deep inside of me, asking if I had the courage to face her one on one. The image was distracting so I chose instead to walk downstairs and drink some apple juice as the taste of arena popcorn was still lingering in my mouth. I could never have suspected that the simple act of walking to the family kitchen would have a profound change in my life.

Approaching the kitchen, I saw my father sitting alone in the dark with his hands covering his face. Looking closer, I saw that he had been crying. I couldn’t understand what I was viewing because I was always led to believe that a child should never witness a parent cry. Seeing him made me want to cry too. 

“Dad?” I said softly.

He lifted his head abruptly and looked at me with surprise.

“You should be sleeping.”

“I was really thirsty,” I answered, almost frightened. 

He waved his hands at the fridge and I hurriedly poured myself half a glass of juice. I drank it in one gulp and rinsed the glass before leaving. As I was passing him, he whispered my name.

“Yes dad?”

He took his time to speak and pushed a chair next to him.

“Come sit with me for a few minutes.”

It should go without saying that I was surprised with his request. He actually wanted to talk to me. For the longest time, I had the impression that when my parents talked to me, it was out of necessity or somewhat of a chore. I was apprehensive moving towards him but as I sat on his lap he wrapped his arms around my waist and hugged me. I could feel his tears on my cheek and my eyes began to well.

“I’m sorry, Amanda,” he said.

This was totally blowing me away and made no sense.

“What’s happening Dad, why are you so sad?”

He wiped his eyes and sniffed. “I’m not sad honey. I’m frustrated and tired...” He looked into my eyes and moved a stray bang from my face. “I haven’t told you this for a long time but I am very proud of you and I love you so very much.”

“I love you too,” I replied as a new tear traced a path down my cheek.

I have never been someone who was openly emotional but my dad is my dad and I cared for him like no other. He didn’t speak for a minute but continued to hold me close.

“I wanted to conquer the world when I was your age. I had such lofty dreams, you wouldn’t believe. When I turned fifteen, I told your grandparents I wanted to attend university in Europe. They laughed and told me I was talking through my rear end and I should concentrate on being a mechanic. The best jobs in Jack City were for mechanics. Jack City? Oh baby, I would laugh at them and tell them straight out there was no way on God’s green earth I would be remaining here. Hell no, I was off to see the world. I was going to be someone and Jack City could never contain me." He took a deep breath. "I was wrong. They never told me.”

“Everyone has regrets,” I said quietly, hoping to somehow lift his spirits.

I didn’t understand the comment about my grandparents not telling him something but I let it slide.

“Yes baby, everyone does but when your dreams are crushed and you can’t find any way to bring them back to life, something inside changes and it’s this change that affects not only yourself but everyone around you.