Autumn Leaves and Teenage Dreams

24. The Tear

Two weeks have passed in the blink of an eye. Those fourteen days have felt slow yet fast, strange yet exciting, and I realize suddenly that I am experiencing a time in my life I have never known before. Now, when Aurora and I walk home, sometimes I can convince her to hold my hand, and sometimes I catch her smiling at me at lunch. I never knew quite until this moment how much having someone who likes you back could change your whole worldview. 

My friends seem to notice a change in my behavior, though they can't attribute it to much of anything. When they do question my good attitude, I reply that it must be the good grades. They all groan at that statement, though I find it funny that it is still easy to convince them that my happiness derives from my GPA.

When I'm not with my friends, I do my best to scour out Aurora. We still have Calculus together, but when we see each other in the halls, I stop her and say hi nowadays. Sometimes, at lunch, I'll linger by her friend group and greet everyone. I've even sat with her friend group two more times when all my friends inevitably had something else planned at lunch.

Now that I know Aurora likes me, I can't seem to get enough of her, and unfortunately, the time we do get together is far and few in between. We're both busy with school, and we've had no time to go on a proper date. Instead, we continue to study and walk home together, like we've always done. Rarely does Aurora let me do anything in public, so for the most part, it sometimes feels like nothing has changed, even though everything has changed, which frustrates me even more.

Though being with Aurora has made my world a little brighter, I suddenly am becoming aware of how much judgment and opposition I may face in this relationship. Not that I think anyone would come and spit in my face at school, but I'm starting to notice how outcast the lesbians that sit in the corner are, shunned away from their peers for being "strange." I start to imagine what my friends would think if I tell them the truth one day. I wonder how many of them would be weirded out, disgusted at the thought that maybe I had crushes on them or that I was eyeing them while they changed at our sleepovers.

The thought pisses me off. But I can't say they won't react that way. Because now, Allison's comments about how the lesbians should just learn to wear skirts like the rest of the girls pisses me off.

"Come on, Allison. Let's move on from this subject," I murmur. It's a quiet comment. Something that still gets the point across, but doesn't suggest I am one of the them.

Allison seems confused at my retaliation. Yes, when my internalized homophobia was deep, I used to laugh at these comments and agree, as most of my friend group, and the entire school, usually does.

"I was just saying," Allison retorts.

"Come on, do we really have to talk like that? We're going to be seniors soon. This is freshman gossip," I say. The rest of my friend group has gone quiet. Most of us are moderately liberal, Allison leaning more toward the conservative side, but no one has ever seen me speak out at one of her morally questionable comments before.  "I'm not hungry. I'm going to get some homework done," I say as I get up and leave.

"Jeez, you don't have to get so offended for them," Allison murmurs as I walk away.

Don't you get it? I am one of them, I think.

Fifteen minutes later, Abigail finds me in the library, staring at me confusedly. She pulls out the seat across from me and sits down, with her hands raised in a confused glance.

"What was that about?" she whispers.

"I just don't think Allison's homophobic comments should slide anymore. Or any of her questionable comments really," I murmur. "I...find myself getting more pissed off at her these days. It's hard to explain why. She just...rubs me the wrong way."