Autumn Leaves and Teenage Dreams

16. Scones, Tea, and a Christmas Tree

I bite into my slice of cheesecake carefully, savoring its dense, sweet flavor while my friends sip on their assorted teas and take bites of their own dessert. Coming to Madame Pea's Diner has been a tradition since my freshman year. After surviving all of our finals, we like to go to brunch the first day of break to indulge ourselves and talk without the weight of school hanging over our heads.

It is too cold to sit outside on the patio today, but that's something we'll leave for spring finals. Because even if there's snow on the ground and I can't feel my fingers today, I'll have our May brunch to look forward to. On that day, we'll sit under the hot sun and stare at the blooming flowers hanging from the roof. It is hard to imagine when that day comes we will be seniors.

Aurora would like this place, I think, before I quickly retract my statement. Day one of break, and my decision not to think about her is already not going to plan. This whole lunch I have been distracted, in fact, staring at my phone as if I can will a text from her to appear.

My friends are laughing with their full bellies, speaking excitedly about the few weeks of break ahead of them. Some are traveling, others are relaxing, but most are just thrilled to be done with finals. I am too, though I have a feeling that a certain individual, rather than my grades, will stress me out over break.

"Ryan and I are going to hang out all break," Allison says excitedly, though I zone out as she illustrates her daily plans with her boyfriend. My other friends eat these details up, remarking how they wish they could do the same. There is something in Allison that gets on my nerves more often these days, especially when she talks about her boyfriend, but I know I cannot blame her. She's how a teenage girl with a boyfriend should act. But now that I have finally accepted the fact I am attracted to women, her heteronormative speech makes me want to stab the fork I'm using to eat cheesecake with into my hand instead.

"What are you doing over break, Callie?" Juliet asks, right as I shove a large piece of cheesecake into my mouth.

I quickly chew with the attention drawn toward me and painfully swallow.

"Not much. We're not traveling, so I'll probably stay in, read some, maybe practice for the SAT if I can..."

"Callie, this is supposed to be a break!" Hazel exclaims.

"Well, there's nothing wrong with doing a little prep, right?" I state. At this point, I need to do something academic to get my mind off Aurora. Even today, just sitting and watching shows on my laptop caused my mind to wander more than I liked.

"Well, we should all get together again, then," Abigail says. "For those who aren't doing much."

I agree, hoping a few friend get-togethers will be enough to sustain me socially over the break. I have a feeling that I will lose my mind only being around my siblings within the coming week. Whatever we plan to do, I just hope Allison doesn't bring her boyfriend along.

When I'm home later that day, continuing to binge T.V. shows in the comfort of my bed, my hand reaches for my phone. It hovers over Aurora's name, but what do I have to say? "How was finals?" I asked that yesterday. I sigh and place my phone back down. Yesterday, she seemed to make it clear that she had no plans to see me before the new semester resumed, so I shouldn't assume that she does. Besides, I know nothing will happen, and I'm still not sure if I want anything to happen anyway.

The week leading up to Christmas is slow. I walk Fry frequently, desperate for something to do, and act as Olivia's personal chauffeur, but other than that, I mostly lay around, and despite Hazel's insistence I not, break out a few SAT practice books. Might as well get a head start since I know I'll be swarmed with assignments day one of the spring semester.

My family partakes in a few Christmas activities. We put on a few movies and watch them in our pajamas and walk around the neighborhood to look at the Christmas lights, but my parents work up to Christmas Eve, so we do not find a time to get all together to celebrate the holiday until Christmas Day itself.

Though my days of gazing out the window, looking for Santa, are long gone, I still feel that burst of Christmas excitement when I wake in the morning, finding the sun gleaming out over the slowly-melting snow. By the sound of voices downstairs, I can tell my siblings are already up. I stand up and stretch, staring at my phone charging near the bed. Should I text her and wish her a merry Christmas? I decide it's too early for that, and I meander downstairs to where a mountain of presents resides under our tall Christmas tree.

"Callie's up. We can start!" Olivia shouts excitedly.

I know the real reason she's antsy to open presents. My parents promised her and Oliver phones this year. I can see them both already scavenging their presents, trying to find the few that fit that perfect rectangular frame.

I take a seat on the ground while my father offers me a cup of hot chocolate.

"Thought you'd need it," he said, plugging his ears as Olivia lets out a screech. It seems she's already found her long-awaited present.

Though my younger siblings are antsy to open their presents quickly, my mom makes sure we open all of our presents together. My siblings do get their phones, while I get an assortment of clothes, some books, gift cards, and a bit of chocolate. Overall, an average Christmas, I'd say.

Fry seems the most pleased as he throws his new chew toy around, though my mom has to confiscate it when he nearly tosses it at the tree, right where her expensive ornaments hang.

As my mom collects the wrapping paper, there's a moment of silence. My siblings and father are in the kitchen, preparing breakfast, and a part of me almost wants to talk to her and bring it up. Because now that I understand myself better, it's becoming harder and harder to keep this secret locked inside me.

"Something wrong?" my mom asks, noticing I'm just sitting there and staring at her.

I open my mouth, and a surge of memories floods through my mind, of my mom's slightly homophobic comments, her excitement over me going to Homecoming with a date, her talks of how she expects me to give her beautiful grandkids, and so on. I shut my mouth.

"Nothing," I answer.

I linger in and out of the living room throughout Christmas Day, still wondering if I should text Aurora after all. But as the day goes on, I feel that doing so would be useless. I go into my room to try on new clothes, but I instead end up laying on my bed, contemplating this dumbfounded crush.

If there was the rare chance, the 1% chance, that Aurora would ever like me back, would ever go out with me, then why? She is in her last semester in high school. I don't ask her about college, mostly because I know the stress she is under, and I assume she gets the same questions at every family event, but from what I understand, she doesn't want to stay here in this town, or state, even. I already know she's gotten into a few private colleges already, and I'm sure she'll go for those, or a public college when she gets notified of her admission status in the spring.

So in the meantime, I should get over Aurora. I should accept that she helped me learn a little more about myself, but I don't expect anything from her. For now, I should focus on my studies and wish her luck when she graduates without forming any close attachments.

With these thoughts in mind, I finally feel sound enough to get on with my day.

Christmas dinner is a small occasion. It's only my parents and my siblings this year, but I won't complain. Thanksgiving took it out of me, seeing so much family at once. I'm thankful for just a traditional smoked ham dinner. As we sit and pass food around, I almost feel content sitting with my immediate family, and just for a moment, I want to spill the secret.

But I know better. Because even if we seem prim and proper now, my mother may become upset, my siblings confused, and I have no idea how my father would react. As I sit at the table, taking small bites of ham and potatoes, I wonder if that day will ever come when I'll have to tell them. If so, it'll be long in the future, probably, when I don't live under their roof and won't have to fear any consequences.

I think for now, I'll keep this to myself.