Styles, Harry Styles. (#Wattys2015)

Always Me.

Note:

1. Trigger warning at some parts. 

2. Might make you get extreme feels.

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"Honey, how was your first day?" I hear my mum's voice say as I walk past the kitchen to go to my room, after a long first day back at school after Christmas break.

"Good."

I walk fast, making sure she doesn't see the tears in my eyes. I immediately run upstairs after that. As soon as I enter my room, I lock the door and jump on my bed, after I put my bag next to my desk.

My face is in my pillow and the tears stream down my face. I try to fight back the tears, but it's just too much.

"I can't do this anymore!" I scream into my pillow, hoping my mum doesn't hear me. My makeup is probably going to stain my pillow, but right now I don't care.

Minutes, hours, I don't even know how much time passes by and I'm still in the same position. I can't help it, I'm bawling my eyes out. I hear a loud noise, like the door downstairs has just been slammed then I hear two voices talking at once; a female and male. It has to be my parents again.

I wipe the tears off my face, get out of my bed and look out the window. My dad's car is in the driveway and I see a woman waiting; my step-mother. My step-siblings are there as well. They all dressed up fancy. I notice the little one, Michael staring at me then I shut the blinds and slowly open my bedroom door. I don't care how much of a mess my face and hair is right now, I want to know what's going on.

"It's her birthday damn it, can't I just take her out for the night?"

"She's my daughter! I take care of her more than you do!"

"That's because I don't get the chance to!"

"It's not my fault you decided to leave."

"It wasn't my choice, it was your decision; you said it would be better."

"What? You think I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you...The person who has been abusing me for the past sixteen years. Now, you think I'll let you spend time with my daughter, how could I ever trust you?"

"My wife and kids are outside, do you seriously think I'm going to hurt her?"

"Well you did before! You think I don't know? How can I ever let you get near her again. You listen to m-"

From the top of the stairs, I see my dad slapping my mum and she is speechless. I don't know what to do. I'm not sure if this is the right moment to go downstairs or just stay up and pretend nothing happened. I'm scared and I can feel the tears streaming down my cheeks once again. I run to the bathroom and sit on the floor.

I don't want to get out. I just want to bawl and go to sleep, or I don't even know. I then hear the door slam once again and my dad screaming "Let's go!" I unlock the door and take a peek outside. The house is quiet.  As much as I want to go see if my mom is okay, something stops me. Instead, I lock the door and take the blade which I hid in the drawer.

I pull my sleeves up and I see all the cuts on my arms. I don't bother about my thighs, because I know it's the same.

There were a few cuts from yesterday and the word "Worthless, Fat, Ugly" written on my stomach and on my thigh it said "Nobody will ever love you" but on my arms, it said "Stay Strong." I let out a loud scream, but I cover my mouth with my hand. As I find new spots to cover my arms with fresh cuts, I let the blood drip down as tears keep streaming down my face. I shouldn't be on the bathroom floor, maybe in the bathtub to avoid having to clean the blood and everything after, but I don't even care anymore.

It's been like this every day for nearly 8 years now. Nobody knows. Neither my closest friends nor my family. What am I saying, I don't even have friends.

It all started with bullying at school, then my abusive parents. My dad abused my mother and so sometimes she'd take her anger out on me. I was only 8 years old. I was innocent. My mum then realized and stopped that. However, due to my father's drinking problem; it never stopped for him. He did not only abuse my mother, but me too. He got my mother pregnant at least three times and each time, he made her get an abortion. She refused, but then he threatened to kill me and kill her. She said she didn't want to lose me, that I am why she listened to him, but I will never believe that. Besides, what am I worth anyway? Nothing.

When I turned 10, my dad raped me. My mother wasn't home that night, so she never found out. She only knew about the marks that was left on my body, so she knew my dad had abused me. I never knew what was going on, because he brainwashed me into believing it was something else. Despite the fact that I had switched schools, I was still being bullied by the boys in my class mostly. Some girls were involved as well, but it was mostly the boys. Being that young, I had already gotten used to it since I've been hearing it since I was about 8. I didn't care though. I just ignored everything, even if it killed me.

However at the age of 11, I finally understood that it was all wrong. I refused to eat anything, other than just fruits and vegetables. My parents said it was because I was "growing up." Some days, I never ate anything at all . It went on like this till now, but I'm still fat and nothing has changed. People used to see my pain and asked what was wrong, so I told them. Everyone said the same thing, "It Gets Better." I never believed that. At some point, I stopped saying a word. I didn't talk to anyone at all, because I was just starting to hate everyone. If I had a crush on a boy, I forced myself into trying to hate them, even if it was hard.

When I started cutting, I gave away all my short sleeved clothing and shorts, skirts, dresses. My appearance changed and my style. I died my hair, wore only jeans and hoodies and listened to music all the time. I barely slept at night and I failed my classes at school. My parents were getting angry, and then they had another fight. That night, was the night that my mum told my dad to leave for good. I always feel as if it was my fault, only because everything happened on that night. My dad refused to leave and I did not know why.

My mum spent the night in my room, even if we had four bedrooms. She said it was just for safety. I didn't mind. That night was when I told her that my dad raped me when I was young. I told her about the bullying that was going on at school and my eating disorders, but I felt so selfish, because I was supposed to listen to her, not have her listen to me. She had enough that night anyway.

The next day, my mum and I came late. We spent the night out. She told me it was only for our own good. We went to the movies, watched the stars, ate at a restaurant (Which was special, because we rarely did), went shopping, etc. When I came home though, my mum caught my dad with another woman in the guest room. I think he thought we weren't ever going to come back. My mum was very affected by that and so was I. I couldn't believe it. That woman is now my step-mother and we cannot stand each other.

I never spend time with my dad but I'm okay with that. Every time he comes home though, he argues with my mum. He hopes that she'll let him see me, but she always refuses. I'm always home when he comes, but I just stay in hiding.

After about an hour, I clean the floor, wipe my arms, stomach and thighs with a bunch of tissues, throw them away and go downstairs. My mum knows about my nose bleeding frequently, so she won't have to ask questions, besides she has a separate washroom for herself. It's just the two of us.

My mum was sitting on the couch and she was crying. I gave her a hug and we stayed like this for a while. Both of us didn't say anything and it was very peaceful. After a while, it got a bit awkward and she just whispered "thank you" then got up and went to the kitchen.

"Lasagna?"

I shook my head no and then she gives me a smile, "C'mon, it's your favorite. And you haven't eaten since lunch time!"

"I'm not hungry, maybe later."

I went back upstairs and took a shower. I wasn't planning on doing my homework. I just wanted to go to bed. The shower was so painful, especially because I had fresh cuts.