What He Never Said ✔️

chapter twenty • deja vu

"They tell me think with my head, not that thing in my chest."
- The Chainsmokers feat. Kelsea Ballerini

I stand outside the Romney's apartment. I should have called first. I shouldn't have just shown up unannounced.

I raise my fist to knock. Thank god I do. The smile on Zayna's face as she opens the door is enough to quell any residual anxiety I might have had. I pull her into my arms, taking in her intoxicating scent.

"You okay? What's up with the anaconda squeeze?" she asks, a giggle escaping her lips.

"I'm good," I lie.

She pulls away to meet my gaze. "Yeah, because I totally believe you. Let's go downstairs and get a cup of coffee, alright?"

I allow Zayna to lead me down the spiral staircase and into the diner. Poppy pours us two mugs of steaming black coffee. We take a seat in the corner booth and sip our hot beverages.

I watch Zayna dump too many sugar packets into her bitter coffee and smile. That's what she did three months ago, the first time we ever sat in this diner together. That was a good day.

She catches me staring and turns scarlet. "What are you doing? Is there, like, something on my face?"

"No, you're beautiful," I assure her. "I just... I don't know. I got deja vu when we sat down. Remember the first time we had coffee together?"

"I do." She smiles at the memory. "You were a paying customer, and I was a bitchy waitress. How could I forget?"

"You weren't that bitchy, babe."

"Oh, I was bad. I was surprised you came back."

"Of course I came back. I needed to see you again." I reach across the table and lace my fingers through hers. "You also gave me some pretty solid advice that day."

Her golden eyes twinkle with an emotion I don't recognize. "Did I now?"

I nod my head. "You did. The first time we ever talked, you told me that Raelyn's death wasn't my fault, that we—"

"We can't blame ourselves for the things that happened to us when we were too young to know better," she finishes. "That is solid advice. Too bad you haven't taken it."

"I'm trying," I whisper. "It's just... hard."

"I know, Bowie. Trust me, I get it." She gives my hand a gentle squeeze. "Look, we all have our demons. You know mine."

"Yeah, and if I ever meet that Conrad guy, I'm gonna—"

"Stop. Don't go all macho man on me, alright?"

"I can't help it. I hate the fact that someone hurt you like that."

The same way Benson hurt Raelyn. Zayna turned to drugs and razor blades, but her fate could have been a lot different. I cringe at the thought.

"Bowie," Zayna murmurs, "last week, you... you told me you loved me. Do you remember that?"

"Kinda hard to forget, babe," I reply. "Listen, I know it's premature. I probably shouldn't have uttered those words, but—"

"That's the thing." Her eyes are twinkling again. "Bowie, I... I can feel myself falling in love with you, but that's the last thing I need right now."

My heart stops. Is she breaking up with me?

"Just know that this is strange, new territory for me," she elaborates. "I can do sex, but love? I heard a lot of four-letter words growing up, but 'love' wasn't typically one of them."