smut // multi-fandom

it's time // kylo ren-ben solo

Author's Notes:
This is a LONG ONE my dudes; it's just a whole lotta buildup to the boinking so enjoy! 

word count: 5.1K

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I had found myself fighting on both sides of this never-ending battle; always regretting the moments I could have held on tighter to the right piece of hope or the right people. I had pledged my loyalty to the First Order, long before the reign of Kylo Ren.  However, when I knew of him, things were much more different than they once were.  The person I knew was shone in a much softer light than how he is perceived now. I was a medical officer, tending to his wounds after every battle he come back from; stitching up scars that began to tattoo his beautiful skin and it was the security he felt in those moments with me that drew his guard down. His heart had softened by my own as they molded into one. And yet, the closer he got to that power, the more his heart was manipulated in ways that I wasn't able to save him from. I watched as the Supreme Leader built back up every single way I worked so hard to bring down. When I saw what this was doing to him, I begged him to leave it all behind.  He knew that staying and fighting alongside the Supreme Leader was bringing him closer to his demise, yet he was holding on to the false belief that filled his very being.

Kylo Ren had swallowed any concept of Ben Solo and buried it deep within the walls of his disrupted mind the day he let go of my hand. I watched as he stuck to his decision and refused to look back on it, giving everything he had left to the Dark Side, which included the love he once developed for me. With tears in my eyes, I stood within the cockpit of an unmarked TIE fighter, begging with every once of my being for him to come with, but the longer I stared at him, the quicker I realized that I was watching the man I used to know vanish into thin air.

As he turned his body away from me, I wanted to scream out in anger. I wanted him to know that I wanted nothing more than to stay by his side for as long as my legs would allow me, but not like this. Before everything happened between the two of us, I found myself growing tired of the destruction and pain that the First Order sealed within my heart. I watched as the hatred inside the hearts of troopers and commanders whisked away any source of purpose that could have lingered within my soul. I wanted to believe that I was making the right choice by servicing the First Order, but when I saw the pain in his eyes that day we met - it felt as if the hope I yearned for was restored. I wanted to make a difference, not fall in line with everyone else. 

I departed within the TIE fighter, not linger any longer upon that dreadful ship. I didn't know where I needed to go; hearing talk here and there of possible locations, but never hearing confirmation. I found myself landing on a remote planet, asking around for any sort of information on the Resistance, but only receiving stares from questionable characters. Before long, I was greeting unwelcoming people with words of surrender; wanting nothing more than to fight alongside their cause. I knew that was the only thing that I could do to bring him one more step closer into the light.

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I had spent yet another restless night tossing and turning, never finding the right position or rather the right mindset to even allow myself such peace. My mind was elsewhere, as it usually was; images of him flashing across my vision the longer I allowed my thoughts to linger.  As the months passed by, I had felt myself growing weary of his acceptance. More or so because I held onto this overwhelming feeling that he was going to come back. I held on to that part of me with dear life, hoping that I wasn't just holding onto false hope, but holding onto him. I could feel his heart, the feeling had buried itself deep within my own, but I felt it there. There was still a part of him that was holding on, but the question was how much longer will it linger there?