JANVIER。
No one really knows what the future holds. Some people think they do, but in reality, they could never even have a clue.
I thought I knew how my future would be before and after you. But I was terribly wrong, because no one had prepared me for what was going to happen with you now permanently in my life.
I was going to marry you.
At least, I was going to ask you to marry me. That was what I had in mind when I woke up next to you and planted a kiss on your lips before leaving you to sleep.
I had in mind to go to a bijouterie and get you a ring to propose with. I had even written down my speech and it was safely tucked in my pocket. I had even phoned mum to let her know my plans and she decided to come just so she could meet you.
I had it all planned—I would get you alone outside where we would eat and be happy together before going down on one knee and asking you to marry me. Whether you would say yes or no would be for me to find out.
But here's the twist; I never did.
I never found out because it was at that moment that life decided to surprise me. And like every surprise is meant to be, I was not ready.
I was not ready to walk out of the bijouterie with the ring packed in my hand to find my steps altering. I was not ready to get on the bus with a big smile on my face, telling people that I was going to propose to the man I loved, only for the pain to come. I was not ready to start coughing obnoxiously loud and causing a few passengers to give me strange looks and asking if I was okay. I was not ready to walk down the streets, thinking that I was moving when really I was on the floor, spitting blood and shivering to the point where I could hear my bones.
I was not ready to leave you behind because believe me when I say that I fought with all my might to get the pain out so I could go back home to you and hug you and make you breakfast and love you till the next day. I was willing to fight that bullet, just so I could at least hear your answer before telling you I loved you.
I was not ready to die.
But I did.
And for that, I am so sorry. I love you, and always will.
Please, do not forget me because the taste of death is nothing compared to the loneliness I would feel knowing that you had forgotten me.
