Me

Depression

Depression. When people ask "whats it like having depression?" In all honesty they will probably smile an sugar coat it but in all honesty living with depression is hell. Its as simple as that. It's hell. Hell to live with, hell to live with, hell to cope with, hell to survive with.

Because living with depression isn't living at all, its simply surviving. Its just existing with the feeling of no meaning or a purpose.

Many people with depression compare it to drowning: and in all honesty, that's exactly what it's like. It's like being stuck in a frozen over lake. Constantly floating underneath the ice with no way out. You feel like you're suffocating from being surrounded a huge mass, enveloping you and being unable to swim up and even try to break through the ice-bound word you're surrounded by: unable to breath and unable to move under it's weight. You feel as though you will never be able to break through and are stuck being tortured and taunted by whats happening around you.

However there is one major difference to actually drowning, one major difference that makes this whole experience worse than being asphyxiated by he crushing power of the water; you can't die. And because you cant die you can't leave the daily torture of feeling so crap! No matter how much you want to there is no way you can die from depression.

It feels selfish but maybe I deserve something for once in my life that's just for me. Because the only reason I'm still here if for other people, and those people will continue to move on with their lives, they already have so what would stop them if was no longer here permanently? The same people who make me feel unworthy and unable to fit in, the people who keep me here are suffocating me with false reasons on why I need to stay.

"I love you."

"Without you the world wouldn't be the same without you"

All that yadda da. Thats really going to keep m here isn't it? No. It's just filling me with false reasons and false hope. I know that after choose to stay they will just leave me once more, leaving me feel worse so whats the point any more?

Why am I still here?

In all honesty, I have no idea. I don't want to be but I guess I'm just a coward in that sense. I will just have to stay here, surviving and hoping that things get better. Because in all honestly, I have nothing else to go on. Hope (be it false or not) is the only thing I have that's keeping me here, keeping me sane but hey, what can you do? I'm being refused medication and am no longer in school so i have no purpose any more.

The world is still spinning, people keep on living and I'll keep on existing. Floating with no real reason or purpose: as ever.