abyss ↣ joe sugg au

thirty

[Trigger Warning: mentions of depression/suicide]

"What are you doing here?" Joe's mum spat sourly and Joe wanted to lash out because this question was the same one that had been playing on repeat in his mind for as long as he can remember. What was he doing here? 

"He's here to explain, Mum. Everything. About Leah, everything. Please don't send him away." Zoe rushed to her Mother, grabbing at her shoulders in desperation. 

Tracey's eyes widened, a concoction of anger, surprise and curiosity(?) Graham spotted Charlotte first, making delicate steps down the stairs, making only the faintest of noise that was barely audible over Zoe's desperate shrieks. 

Graham nodded his head and Charlotte's breath stuck to her tongue, nearly making her choke because what did that mean? She didn't have too much time to dwell on it though, because Graham placed a hand over Zoe's on Tracey's shoulder and lent in to whisper something to the pair of them so quietly that Charlotte wouldn't of been able to hear if she wanted too. Tracey then nodded her head, abandoning the shopping bags and going into the living room. 

Graham followed, Zoe and Joe shortly after without hesitation and Charlotte was left on the stairs for only a moment before she composed herself and took the few fatal steps into the living area. The scene was almost unrealistic, Zoe sat on the window-pane facing inwards and Tracey sitting on a double-seated sofa with Graham's hand on her knee. Joe was sat on the other sofa, hands shaking on his lap. His eyes flickered upwards as Charlotte entered and he grabbed for her immediately, pulling her down next to him so she sat back against the cream cushions. 

She looked down at her hands, avoiding eye contact with any of them at all costs. There was silence for what felt like days, Charlotte was positive it could of actually been that long as trying to decipher between light and dark right now seemed impossible.

"Well." Tracey cut the silence finally. "Explain. Then."

Charlotte knew the many hours Joe spent pacing the area of the flat, discussing--arguing, with himself the best way to start this. Charlotte knew the many hours over the past year Joe had cried for his family, on nights where the darkness couldn't stretch to hide the sadness in his eyes, the racked sobs from under the duvet. 

"It was assisted suicide. If you want to label it." Joe's voice was rugged against the threatening silence.

"Assisted what?" Tracey brought a hand to her mouth.

"She planned her death. Our death. It was flawed though, because I'm still here aren't I? You wouldn't of tried to admit my room to flames if I wasn't." 

Charlotte's chest felt constricted. She had never heard Joe speak like this before, ever. Not even when he was arguing with his Mum at Zoe's wedding. He seemed utterly unforgiving and strong and although this was so sickeningly tragic, she was proud of him for coming here -- for speaking to a woman he owed nothing too anymore.

Joe had hoped maybe, that his Mum would see then. See by those few short statements what had become of her son. It was hopeless.

"You let her kill herself?" Tracey's voice was back to that cold tone, the only tone of Tracey's that Charlotte had ever known.

"It wasn't like that. I don't expect you and your narrow-mindedness to ever understand. I didn't have a choice." Joe protested.

"You didn't have a choice? You. You didn't have a choice? Did she handcuff you to that steering wheel Joe? Did she superglue your bloody feet to the accelerator?"