abyss ↣ joe sugg au

twenty six

[Trigger Warning: mentions of depression/suicide]

Joe had his photography course the next day and Charlotte decided she should probably go back to her own flat. They awoke late morning, Joe's knees pressed into the back of Charlotte's like they belonged there. His breath tickling her neck reminding her once again that she's not alone and no-one had to know if  she felt heat electrifying through her body even though the window was open and the air was cold around her. 

She turned around and nestled into Joe's chest, allowing herself a few more minutes of just them. It was strange she thought, because so many mornings she was wrapped up in Caspar's arms, could feel the heat of his skin against hers but she still felt like Caspar was the coffee cup, steaming and Charlotte were the hands that were trying so desperately to get warm but to no avail. But now, wearing marginally less clothing but hiding away under Joe's arm she just felt so warm. She blamed it on the fact it was now noticeably later in the year and the days were getting longer, the sun even shined some days.

When it came to departing for a couple of hours it felt like Joe was heading off to War and there was nothing Charlotte could do to stop him. She even threatened to hide his camera or his folders but Joe kissed his way out of the door with both things in his bag. Charlotte followed shortly after, taking the short car journey to her flat and blowing off the dust from her house key.

When she stepped into her apartment, it felt like entering a different world. There was only a picture of herself with Kian and Andrea that gave away the fact she lived here. All Charlotte's belongings had gradually made there way over to Joe's flat - even one of her lamps sits on the drawers in Joe's bedroom. 

She places her keys on the side and empties the contents of her pockets onto the dining room table, searching for her phone that hasn't been on for the last couple of days. She winces as she turns it on, honestly afraid to latch back onto the real world.

When her phone vibrates twice against the wood of the table to indicate it's finished booting up, bars drop down over her screen of everything she's been so desperately trying to avoid. Two missed calls from Caspar and seven from Andrea. Charlotte sighed, clicking on Caspar's number and bringing it to her ear.

"Charlotte?" Caspar's voice was hesitant. 

"Hi, Cas." Charlotte ran her fingers through her hair.

"You haven't called in a couple of days. I know you had Zoe's wedding and everything b--but I don't know, I thought you might be mad because of your job." Caspar's voice was almost wet, like it was drowning in the shallowest of puddles.

"Oh no, Caspar I just needed a few days to sort things out in my head. I'm sorry for you know--my job, and everything really--I've messed things up for you and I can't believe you still want to hear my voice." Charlotte laughed nervously.

"Don't be a dick Charlotte, you wore trousers to work for the past six months just to spite me and I'm still around." 

Charlotte wondered then how simple things would be if she loved Caspar. If years ago she'd read the signs of Caspar's affection, if years ago she wasn't so blind to everything and everyone. If years ago she could see the sky through the clouds in her head and hear more than her own burning thoughts. She wondered if she would be happy, if she would of ever gone to the bridge and found this boy whose blue eyes were deeper than the water she wanted to drown in. She wondered if Joe would still be alive.

"I hope you're okay Charlotte. I have to go but I love you and I'm going to do everything I can to get you a job where you can spread your wings and be free my little bird." Caspar's voice was half-joking but Charlotte didn't laugh because Caspar was just so amazing that her chest ached.