Insecurities [Shota Aizawa x Hizashi Yamada]

Chapter 12

Hizashi never got what it meant to "feel a presence" or "have a bad feeling", but right now, he had a really strong feeling that he did something wrong as he left Shota's house. Perhaps it was Shota's uncertainty that infected him, and now his anxiety was getting the better of him.

Hizashi glanced back at the house, now unsure if he should've left Shota just like that. He hoped he actually ate the food; the way Shota looked at him made him worry that he wasn't.

He was still a few feet away from Shota's door and he stood, scrolling through his media on his phone. After a while, he stopped and put it away. His fingers fidgeted around his phone and he struggled to stop his addiction and think.

Making up his mind, he turned back and rang the doorbell. He wasn't sure what he planned on doing, he just wanted to make sure that Shota was okay.

The door didn't open for a long time. Hizashi pressed it again. No answer. When he moved his hand to press it for the third time, the door opened to reveal an annoyed Shota.

Not just annoyed; he looked completely out of it. It was just a few minutes since Hizashi saw him, but now he looked so... dull.

"What?" Shota hissed.

Hizashi paused, forgetting why he was there again for a moment. "Are you okay?"

"Yes." Shota gritted his teeth, and Hizashi could see his fist clenched and shaking. It was obviously not a yes.

Taking a deep breath, Hizashi muffled all the screams in his head yelling "don't" and "just go". He set his bag down and leaned forward in the doorway and hugged Shota.

—<•>—

If he hadn't been holding on to the doorknob, Shota would have fallen over. Then again, he has stiffened up so much under Hizashi's arms that he might as well have been a statue.

"What are you doing?" Shota demanded, low but not angry.

"Giving you a hug," Hizashi answered softly into his shoulder. "You look like you need it."

Shota didn't reply. He shifted slightly, managing to close the front door. Then, he hugged back, awkwardly moving his arms around the blond.

He couldn't help but enjoy the warmth. The hopelessness he felt may have melted away. He didn't want to pull away. He didn't want let go.

Eventually he did, letting his arms fall and looking to the ground.

"...Yeah," Shota murmured, "I guess I do. Thanks... Hizashi." He quickly corrected the name, looking to the side. "Yamada." His hands started shaking again. Messed up again.

"Hizashi is fine," Hizashi reassured. "I don't care if you—"

"What are we?" His voice was uneven now as well, his anxiety rising up like a flood.

"Uh... exes?" Hizashi said uncertainly. "Are we friends?"

I'm the one who said we're not, Shota thought. I'm not good enough for him.

"What's wrong?"

Shota shook his head, not wanting to answer. Hizashi stared at him quietly, thinking. Shota was about to go and leave Hizashi to his own devices, but Hizashi spoke up again.

"Hey. I may have said a few things that hurt you. About how disappointing it was for you to stop writing, how you looked like a weirdo, and all that crap." His hand went up to touch Shota's shoulder, but then dropped down. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. I know you're sensitive to words."