Oh Henry!

Chapter Two. The Baby Show.

Chapter Two 

The Baby Show 

Do you remember when you were five? I do. That was the year P.C. and I realized that girls were going to be nothing but trouble. Rev didn't seem too bothered, but then he was lucky enough to be an only child. 

Marie had arrived the previous year. I had no idea where she came from but Mum informed me that she found her under a gooseberry bush. This confirmed P.C.'s story. They had found his baby sister, Avis, under a blackberry bush. Rev thought it all very strange and as he pointed out, no matter how hard we looked we were never able to find babies under anything. It didn't really matter where they came from. They were here and it was as if I didn't exist anymore. 

Mum acted so strangely. She always seemed to be washing Marie, powdering her bum, dressing her up in the silliest looking clothes or trying to curl what little hair she had. She seemed determined to make Marie the most beautiful baby in the district - an impossible task it seemed to me. Little did I realize at the time that she was preparing Marie for the Spring Flower Show. 

Flower shows were not for me, but when I learned that P.C. and Rev were being dragged along, I agreed to go. Surely, between us, we could think of something to do with all those flowers, and of course, there was always the baking... 

On the morning of the show, I was asked to make myself invisible whilst Marie was dressed. As usual when I disappeared I ended up down at the cricket field. 

"What are you doing out here P.C.?" 

"Oh I've been chucked out of the house so that they can get Avril ready for the show." 

"Me too. Have you any idea what's going on?" 

"Oh yeah! They're getting Avril all done up so that she can win the Baby Show." 

"What's a Baby Show?" 

None of us knew, not even Rev, and he knew everything. Whatever it was it had to be more fun than looking at flowers and drooling over baking that we weren't allowed to touch, never mind eat. 

Throughout that unusually hot Spring afternoon, we watched the proud mothers trundle their prams through the various tents. They seemed to be looking at the displays of spring flowers and judging the quality of the baking, but in reality they were weighing up the competition; comparing babies. 

Marie was now old enough to sit upright in her pram for all to see. She was dressed in her finest clothes, her face shining from a recent scrubbing and her hair magically curled. Admirers surrounded her pram. 

"My what a beautiful baby, Helen. She really has a lovely smile. So unlike Henry with his surly scowl." 

"Oh what a lovely child! Surely you'll win a prize this year, Helen. It'll make up for all those times you entered Henry. He really didn't have a chance. Poor little chap." 

I heard it all. My memory had let me down. I had no recollection of being in a baby show, not one, but many, and I hadn't won. But what do you have to do to win a Baby Show?" 

"Will all mothers please bring their babies to the judging area as soon as possible?" 

Each mother chose one of the hard-backed chairs, arranged in a circle in the centre of the rose garden lawn. Once they were seated, with the babies dangling on their laps a rather stern looking lady in strange clothes entered the ring. She was wearing the funniest bird-like hat, a purple dress, black shoes, black stockings and a stiff white apron with great looking badges pinned to it. 

This lady looked as tough as Miss Unsworth, my primary school teacher, but did even stranger things. She shoved a piece of wood as far down each baby's throat as she could and then pulled it out. I couldn't figure out why she shone a light in each baby's ear and why she was so interested in their arms. Five minutes of this lady and we had a riot on our hands. I'd never heard such screaming and bawling. 

I felt so sorry for the poor old man who had to follow the dragon lady into the circle. He looked so kind with his white hair and rosy cheeks. He even let the babies play with the huge chain that hung around his neck. I wondered where he had won all those medals. He picked up each baby in turn, rocked them in his arms, and then bounced them on his knee. I thought this was all in an attempt to make the babies' smile, impossible in some cases, since they were still screaming from their encounter with the torturer. But not Marie! Oh no! She held out her arms towards the old gent as if he was her favourite toy and gave him a smile she usually reserved for chocolate. Who was she kidding? 

Once all the babies had been seen, the judges retired to make their decision. How do you win this thing? After what we had seen, P.C., Rev, and I thought there must be four tests:- 

1. How far down the throat can you push a stick without the baby throwing up? 

2. If you shine a light in one ear, can you see it through the other? Rev, didn't agree with us on this one. He thought they might be looking for earwigs.

3. Does the baby have funny marks on its arm, just like we did?  

4. Can a baby be bounced around without peeing? 

"Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please. The judges have reached their decision. In third place, the little lady in the beautifully embroidered pale green dress, Barbara Campbell. In second, dressed in a home-made lavender outfit, Judith Marsden." 

"It's fixed," moaned P.C. during the applause. "Girls don't pee like we do." 

Maybe he was right, but there was still one prize remaining. The man with the chain took centre stage precariously holding on to a giant silver cup. 

"Ladies and gentlemen, I think you must agree that the standard of entrants this year ranks with the best we have ever seen. Despite this the judges have reached a unanimous decision awarding first prize to one of the most beautifully turned out, healthiest and bonniest baby you could ever wish to see." He paused for effect. 

"Marie Wilcox." 

"That's it P.C. I'm leaving home."