The Journey Home

Chapter 17 - A Moment Please To Explain

As they traveled north west towards Regent Park, Margaret and John talked of Milton and those that lived there. Margaret told John of her and Nicholas Higgins' plot to bring her on as the new school teacher for all the children of Marlborough Mills. He laughed heartily at his friend's attempt to reunite the couple and threaten to dock his pay for meddling in his personal life. He remained teasingly silent when Margaret inquired about Nicholas' lady friend, Mrs. Cartwright, but was a fountain of information when it came to the Boucher children, who still lived with Nicholas, only now they all resided in a spacious residence above the machine shop. He told her of his mother and her declining health, and Margaret realized the weight of the worry that Mrs.Thornton's illness placed on him. He told her of the struggles of the people of Milton in the recent economic downturn; but not once did he mention the impact on his own business.
In London, construction on the much anticipated underground city railway created additional congestion and dirt in the compressed area of the City. The streets were a cacophony of people, machines and beasts, so much so that a normal conversation would be difficult to hear; however, John and Margaret focused on each other as if theirs were the only voices in the world. They sat beside each other in the open front handsom, and held hands beneath a worn, woolen lap blanket. Margaret had drawn her lace veil over her face to avoid some of the dust that was kicked up by the passing cabs and carriages in the street.
The cab let the couple off the at the York Gate of Regent Park, as they had decided to walk the inner circle of the park. John offered Margaret his arm and then covered her hand with his own. They walked up the Broad Walk, with many other Londoners and visitors, and turned in for the more intimate path around the Botanical Gardens.
"Providence appears to have place us both in each other's path, Margaret." He looked down on her warmly as she took back her veil and smiled.
"Yes. That and a very kind lawyer, who's heart seems to have softened over the years." She stated matter of factly. John gave a quick response in his deep rich voice. "What's this? Have we been manipulated by Mr. Lennox?" He asked in mock disbelief.
"I believe so, and quite cleverly, I might add." She laughed at his expression of trying to remain serious while he enjoyed the thought of the sober Henry trying to play Cupid. "I must remember to thank him, the next time I see him."
"Come to tea, then. I expect that like any other day, he will either be at tea or dinner, or both!" she laughed. "Poor bachelor, that he is."
"Perhaps a lady draws him there?" John inquired, only half in jest.
"I cannot imagine what you could be referring to, Sir."
Margaret knew that the things she wanted to say to John were of a more serious nature and thought that they should stop to discuss them. "Perhaps we should sit." She motioned towards a bench ahead of them, beneath a lovely oak tree, its leaves starting to fade to fall colors.
"I had plans to leave for Milton, tomorrow." She announced as they sat. John looked at her with surprise. "As soon as that? What ever for?"
She looked away and hesitated. "I sought to leave London, more specifically, my Aunt, as quickly as possible." John placed a hand on one of her small hands that still held the leather portfolio. "You will go to Milton with me. I need only a few more days to finish my appointments. I hope to be successful. Of course, other than my failed attempt to purchase the Mill." His eyes twinkled with the jest.
"Henry came to see me yesterday, with news of your offer to purchase Marlborough Mills."
"Yes, I was told of your decision this morning." John responded as Margaret opened her portfolio and pulled out the letter.
"He also gave me this letter yesterday." She held it out for John to view. He looked at the paper for only a moment, when he recognized what it was.
"That is my letter! How long have you had it?" he was confused and did not understand that she had only just received it.
"I saw it for the first time only yesterday." Margaret held her head high, her chin pointed forward, trying not to let her emotions take over. John was in in a state of disbelief, but also relieved. She never received the letter! She had not refused him! At the same time, however, his mind started to try to make sense of what happened and a sickness, like a blow to the stomach, over took him. His anger began to rise and his eyes grew dark.
"What right did he have to hold this from you?" He asked and Margaret saw that his jaw muscles tighten in a way that she had seen many years ago, when she criticized him for the treatment of his men.
"Henry didn't. My Aunt did." She quickly told him and place her hand on his arm to try to calm him. John thought back to his impassioned plea to Mrs. Shaw to deliver the letter, once she knew that Margaret was safe. It was agony for him, waiting to hear of her safety, and when he eventually did from the local property agent in Milton, the prolonged wait for a response from Margaret was nearly unbearable. It never came.
"You never saw the letter." He asked in a low voice.
"I did not. My Aunt never sent it. For some reason, she asked Henry to deliver it."
John stood quickly, and took a few steps away. He placed his hands on his hips and took a few moments to think. His temper was flaring and he closed his eyes trying to keep his feelings contained. Margaret watched him, concerned for his feelings, the pain that he must be feeling. She also knew that he would not be pleased with her decision as to how to address this matter with Aunt Shaw.
"You seem remarkably calm." He said to her, avoiding eye contact.
"John please sit down."
"You will speak to your Aunt on this matter?"
"Yes, of course I will."
"And will you allow me to be by your side?" he asked. Margaret did not answer. He stood waiting for her response and none came. She began to have doubts as to whether her decision would be the right one. His doubts, old wounds as to his worthiness, began to rise.
"Margaret, you will address the wrong that has been done?"
"John, please. Do sit down."
"I will not. Margaret, why will you not answer me?" he snapped his question at her.
Margaret felt the blow, stood and began to walk, with John quickly following her.
"You are walking away from me?" His voice was raised as he demanded a response. She stopped, realizing that her own actions were that of a petulant child, but that John's were no better. "No, Sir. I do not walk away from you. I ask that you walk with me." She stood tall to face him, as if she were a warrior goddess. John put his hand to his brow, frustrated with his inability to find common ground with Margaret. His insecurity in deserving a woman such as this was overcoming his. She understood the confusion and anger that he felt, but she would not bow to what she expected would his expectation of revenge on her Aunt. She reached and took John's arm, pulling him close to her, encouraging him to walk beside her. She could feel the tension in his arm through the fabric of his coat.
After a moment, Margaret spoke. "Do you know what became of me, after I left England?"
"I know very little. Only that you went to Spain to be with your brother." He responded and looked ahead into the distance.
"Then let me explain to you, why it is that I will not create a wedge between myself and my Aunt and and her family."
"Your Aunt is no concern of mine." John said coolly. When she heard his tone, she could not remain calm any longer. She stopped and stepped away from him, and her words were firm and unyielding.
"She may be at fault, but she is practically all that I have left. If I cut off relations with her, I will have no family to speak of. Do you know what that is like, to be alone in this world? To have no one to call your own?" She pleaded with him as she searched his face for understanding. "You have your family and your business. At the time I left, my family was more concerned about marrying me off to the closest suitor, than what I was feeling. More concerned with the length of time I wore black than the length of time I needed to mourn." Her dark eyes implored him to understand. He looked directly at her and began to realize his stubbornness was not helping her.
"Margaret, please..." John took a step nearer to her and touched her sleeve. He needed her more than anything in this world, but he could not forgive Mrs. Shaw.
"I went to my brother, the only family I had. I was welcomed there and made to feel loved. I had a sister, Dolores, Frederick's wife. Did you know that, John?"
"I did not." he quietly responded.
"I was an Aunt to five beautiful children. They are all gone now, except one. My niece Maria Louise. She is with me here, in London. I tell a four year old to have sweet dreams each night when I tuck her in, knowing that her mother is dead, along with a brother and a sister. Her father and two older brothers have gone god knows where, and it is quite possible that we will never see them again." Tears began to well up in her eyes. John drew closer, wanting to hold her but knew he could not in such a public place. He gently took her by her arm, just to feel her nearness.
"Margaret, my love," he whispered "I had no idea. I am tormented knowing how much you have suffered. I wish that I could have saved you from it. We could have, " he paused a moment, "If your Aunt had not interfered, if we only knew the truth back then, you would have known how much you are loved. Please, know that you are loved." Margaret needed to say the words now, so that he would know where she stood, what kind of woman had returned to him, before she allowed herself to surrender to him.
" I will not waste another moment of my life regretting what could have been, for blaming others for their interference. This is our life, John. I chose to forgive my Aunt and to not cause her the pain of loss that I have had to endure." she choked out these last word as she was overcome with tears. She quickly hid her face in her hands.
John felt the eyes of passers by upon them. He wanted to hold her and kiss away her tear, but at the same time, knew how compromising this could be for Margaret. Instead, he handed her his handkerchief and took her portfolio from her hands.
"Forgive me Margaret. I thought only of my own feelings. Please let me be with you when you speak to your Aunt." She dabbed at her red swollen eyes and nose, and pulled her veil down over her face. They stood for a few minutes, while Margaret gathered herself together. Finally, she laced her arm through his once more.
"Yes, I will draw strength from you, but a moment, please, to explain?" she asked as they continued to walk.
"Of course." he quietly responded.
" Your letter - despite it's delay - provided me with something that has been missing from my life for many year. It gave me hope, and with hope some peace."
"My feelings for you, Margaret, are unchanged. I love you now as I loved you then, perhaps more now because ..." he paused, and Margaret finished his sentence for him.
"Because now you are certain; my love is returned to you." She quietly responded. She felt his tense body relax.
"What are we to do next?" he asked her, and they began to walk in the direction of the park's exit, and directy on to Harley Street
"I have much to do at my Aunt's. I have made ready to leave for Milton, but I will delay." John looked up at the sun through the yellowy haze that moved across London. "I will take you there, but I must leave you as I have an appointment with our MP." He looked reluctantly down at her lovely, but tired face. "Perhaps you could rest for a few hours and wait for my return?" Margaret nodded in agreement. "Yes, John. I slept poorly last night, and I must spend some time with Maria Louise. She will wonder what has become of me. But I cannot bear to leave you for long. Can you come for tea later today? I believe Edith and her husband have plans."
In fact, she knew for certain that they had plans, for as it stood, she was expected to join them for tea at a friend's after a shopping on Oxford Street. She surprised herself by leaving off the fact Lieutenant Brandt was to join them.