The Chronicles of Smith & Jones

Chapter Thirty-Three - Lost World

They watched as an enormous beast graciously ambled by. Despite its enormity it stood upon its hind legs and with its ridiculously long neck it was then able to eat the leaves from the tops of the very tallest trees.

"It's beautiful," said Kris, her mouth and eyes just as open as each other.

"It really... Words... I don't even know," said Smith.

"I wanna' fuck it."

"You beat me to it, Jonesey," said Kris with a chuckle. "Tell you what, you can go first."

"Very kind, Milady," Jones replied, nodding demurely.

"Oh for f..." Smith muttered and wandered off, deciding it was probably best to leave his randy companions to do their own thing and probably die in the process for although he had no idea just how well endowed a Brachiosaur was, he suspected his friends would, quite literally, be ripped in half and besides, he had seen a pile of Triceratops poo and he wanted a better look.

"That's a big pile of shit," he said to no one in particular.

He decided to leave the Triceratops to it. Clearly the horned dinosaur was a little bit poorly and was probably not in the mood to entertain and after a little exploration he found Boogaloo the Bingleboo and H'Ver. They were atop a platform, looking down into a densely forested cage.

"Ssshhh," said Boogaloo, making far more noise whilst attempting to ensure Smith's silence than the man himself had made. "'Raptors... We're being hunted."

Foliage moved and fluttered as they watched though none of the three actually saw a Velociraptor. Smith had a sneaking suspicion that was the way they liked it.

"Feeding time," said H'Ver as a cow was flung into the cage via catapult. "I don't know about the cow though... Surely, even Velociraptors would rather have a bagel."

"I saw a few jeeps on my travels," said Smith as the cow mooed and screamed, splattering blood all over the shrubbery. "We should go for a drive and see what else this place has to offer, and for some reason I want to take a goat."

"A goat?" Boogaloo the Bingleboo said. "I saw a goat, it went this way."

"Maybe we should leave Boogaloo to it," said Smith. "Clearly he thinks he's a Paracanthurus Hepatus and besides, I think they supply goats with at a stall beside the jeeps, for feeding purposes."

Smith was oddly correct and with H'Ver at the wheel, because apparently it made most sense to let the robot who thought he was a Greg's the Bakers drive, Smith allowed the goat to munch upon his shoelaces.

"Why're we stopping?" Smith asked as it began to rain. "And where did the goat go? And why is there a glass of water upon the dashboard?"

"Baa," said the goat as it somehow appeared, chained to a stake, on the other side of the fence beside which the car had stopped.

The ground shook and the water in the glass rippled. It was quite scary and then the goat was gone.

Meanwhile, Kris and Jones were tag-teaming a Brachiosaurus.

"Drive!" Smith yelled, following a time lapse during which the T-Rex, having eaten the goat had somehow escaped from its pen and was chasing them.

H'Ver did not need telling twice and put his foot down.

The ground was wet, because it was raining, and there were puddles.

H'Ver drifted the jeep around a wooden shack and sped off as quickly as the vehicle and conditions would allow but the T-Rex paused and ate the shack and its contents, which included a pooing Boogaloo and the toilet upon which he had, up until the point he was eaten by a carnivore, been pooing.

"We should go to the kitchen," said Smith. "Tyrannosaurs can't fit into kitchens."

"Oh, goody," said H'Ver. "Would you like a toasted crumpet, when we get there?"

Meanwhile, again, Kris, Jones and the Brachiosaurus had been joined by Big Brach's brothers and were, at that very moment, learning how it felt to be the joint personification of the term, FUBAR.

"How did they get in here?" Smith asked as he and H'Ver hid behind a beneath-counter fridge/freezer.

"Maybe Velociraptors like kitchens," H'Ver replied, unhelpfully. "Or maybe they think you and I are small, irritating children."

"Maybe," said Smith with a shrug. "I think I'll attack them with saucepans."

And Smith did just that. Oddly, it was a successful attack and the 'Raptors ran away in search of prey they felt more capable of handling.

Because they were stupid, Smith and H'Ver followed and soon came upon the Tyrannosaurus and the 'Raptors engaged in a battle to the death.

Deciding it was probably best to leave the fighting dinosaurs to it, they headed outside. It had stopped raining, which was nice.

"Don't you find it odd there's no flying dinosaurs here? Pterosaurs, and what-have-you?"

"I think they appear in the sequel," said H'Ver with a robotic chuckle. He was a robot, after all.

Smith pondered the notion of a sequel for a few moments. "Ah well, they aren't here and there doesn't appear to be a Master Cube, either."

Still going on, elsewhere, Big Brach and his brothers were really having their way with Kris and Jones. They were having a whale of a time, too, despite the fact the two humans had literally been buggered to death.

Just as Big Brach was about to shoot the mother of all loads into Jones' pert bottom there was a flash of brilliant white light and the humans disappeared, leaving the Brachiosaur with nothing to hump but air. He was well past the point of no return by that time though, and the aforementioned load took out a supply helicopter as it made its descent.

True story...