TANTRIC (Book 3 of the Soundcrush Series)

Chapter 33: Front Men Find Their Conviction and Share Secrets

This is HUGE chapter for Leed. If we thought Ash has been at the breaking point, Leed is right there with her, dealing with his own burdens and self-doubt. Not to mention a health-vulnerable girlfriend, a high maintenance Baby Mama, an infant son, a volatile sister. Oh. And a secret. A rather serious secret....

The song...Better Days for the Goo-Goo Dolls, because Ash and Leed have had about as much past drama to deal with as they can possibly take and "Tonight's the Night The World Begins Again..." either they are going to crack or turn a corner after this!!!!

Leed

Unbelievably, I slept last night.

I didn't at first—for a long time I just pretended...breathing evenly so Ash would think I was asleep and be swayed to join the slumber.

She fell asleep long before I did. I lay beside her, studying her face in the dim glow that crept around the black-out shades. Her beauty—even relaxed in sleep and clothed in shadows—is beyond alluring.

I crave the curve of her waking smile and the light in her bright eyes, but the contours of her lovely cheekbones and the delicate curve of her nostrils were a comforting substitute.

While I was studying her loveliness, I dug really deep, and  tried to get as fucking honest as possible about what I'm doing with Ashlynn.

It's undeniable that Ashlynn is a wonderful person inside, and she fills me with inspiration and energy when I'm around her, but what if I'm bullshitting myself? What if I'm not in love with her, but just completely infatuated with her gorgeous form and caught up in the idea of possessing her? She's the most beautiful woman I have ever wanted that denied me. Hell, she's the only woman that's denied me in the last three years...besides Tam when she cut me off.

I remember last spring when Tam cooled on me. I didn't like it worth a damn. I doubled down on my efforts to bed her, which is how we ended up with Ollie. Am I doing that again without even realizing it?

I never lose. Am I just trying to win?

Because when I look at Ashlynn's sleeping form, her vulnerability is so fucking obvious to me, and I realize she was right all along—she can't afford to lose at love again. I can't win at her expense. That means, I have to be really damn sure I'm in this for the right reasons. If I climb this mountain, I have to be strong enough to carry her burdens, because sometimes she's not going to be able to carry them herself.

Yesterday morning, nothing had ever seemed so simple as telling Ashlynn that I loved her. I was sure I could give her everything she needed. I thought she needed passion, and fun,and confidence and a little adventure, and understanding and someone to match her kindness.

I know I can give her all those things.

But the way I felt last night...when I was distracted by Tam's questions and Ollie's cries, and Ashlynn collapsed beside me, and I barely caught her before she hit her head on a damn marble end-table? A cruel fucking irony—that the injury she took five years ago is putting her at risk for the same damn kind of trauma all over again?

Suddenly I had a thought that terrified me more than any I have ever had.

What if Ashlynn is in hell in this life? Doomed to repeat her pain over and over? Because it seems like her existence is filled with bad shit. Every goddamn minute, she's in peril from pain or trauma or addiction or shame. Her trauma and her vulnerability are never going away. She will always have a sensitive brain prone to seizure that craves reckless relief with drugs. And even if she fades her scars with treatment, the memory of a man that hurt her mercilessly will be as sharp as the knife he used.