poetry.

thinking of you on this late night drive

You once told me that you didn't know that I thought of you as much as you thought about me.

Now I wonder the same, and I wonder how many times you needed me and I wasn't there. I was driving, not going anywhere, and it seems like every time I buckle in and darkness falls, you're there waiting, just a thought my brain has been trailing. I looked out the window at the city lights, and isn't it pretty, and it's not right that you can't be there with me. I listen to the slow guitar and wistful voice in my headphones, the rising and falling tones, and I dreamed. I thought of how it would feel to hold your hand, and it seemed that it wasn't fair that my fingers aren't made for anything but to run through your hair and braid it into patterns as strong and intricate as us, and I can't conceive that I once could breathe without your touch, I miss you so much. I can't remember the last time I felt like this, my lips missing your kiss, your hands stroking my wrist, the mangled skin there being stroked with care.

I've never really "missed" anyone before. There's always been a disconnect, a struggle to reconnect the dots and the cold spots your love should be warming. It's easy to forget and shut down old memories when there's no one to make them new again, but I don't think I can love anyone but you. I still dream of you, and you've got me thinking too, and I think of your chocolate eyes almost constantly now, as if they're ingrained on the inside of my own eyes, and I try to concentrate on the lies I tell myself to say I did everything i could, everything that i should.

Listening to you talk, watching you walk; I should always miss it even though I sometimes forget what you sound like, the reverbs and undertones falling flat when you give them to a screen, even though I don't think you know what it means when I say goodbye. I love you, I realize for the umpteenth time. Always looking for your name in the perfect rhyme, and different ways to let you know you're mine.

I say goodnight now, and I hope the bite of lost love doesn't keep me awake tonight.