The Tales of a Professional Hockey Player

Chapter 26: Harsh

~Ben~

Maybe that was harsh. Closing the door in her face. I don't feel bad, though. I thought about doing so much worse when I first saw her. It's been half an hour since our "conversation." When I closed the door, I threw myself back on the bed to try and get a little more sleep. I haven't slept for more than three hours per night for the past three days. To say I am exhausted is an understatement. The three nights of the training camp, I couldn't stop thinking about Eleanor the second I got to bed and, when I got up, all I could think about were my performances at the training camp. I was stressed out 24/7 for the entire weekend, and the moment when it's all over, when I can finally close my eyes for more than two seconds, Eleanor knocks on my door.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't fall back asleep. I started thinking about what I could have said to her and imagining saying them to her kept me awake. I am now hungry, and I need to get up. I have an appointment with a realtor at one this afternoon to start looking for my own place in New York. But, for now, the most pressing issue is the rumbling I hear that comes from my stomach. I need to eat, and I don't want to order from room service one more time. Even if they make amazing pancakes, I kind of want to see people, so I decide to head to the hotel's breakfast room in the lobby. I only have one more hour until they close, so I need to hurry.  I put on a pair of jeans and the first t-shirt I see, and head for the door. I double-check if I have my key in my pocket, and, when I feel the plastic rectangle in my back pocket, I open the room's door.

"Why are you here, Eleanor?" I ask. She's sitting on the floor across from my room, her back against the wall. Her face rose from her lap when she heard the sound of my door opening. I want her to leave. I want her to leave because I am afraid of what I might say to her. Even if I am mad as hell at her, I don't want to say something I'll regret because, no matter what, we are tied for life, and I don't want her to hate me. And I don't want to make her sad because seeing Eleanor cry as always been my weakness. I could give her everything or say anything she wanted when I see her cry, especially if it's because of me.

"I told you. We need to talk." Her voice is firm. Firmer than before. She's preparing for a fight. She only uses that voice when she knows we'll end up screaming at each other.

"What if I don't want to talk to you, huh? Ever thought about that?" I try to sound as detached as possible. I start walking towards the elevator but am forced to stop when she grabs my arm.

"We. Need. To. Talk." She separates each word with a glare that only intensifies as time goes by. After a moment of silence, I start walking back towards my room. I roll my eyes as I unlock the door and pull her inside.

"Talk," I say after sitting down on my unmade bed. She stands in front of me, her arms crossed on her chest.

"I am sorry about what happened at Will's wedding. I had too much to..."

I can't help but cut her. "You think I care about what happened at the wedding? You really think that's why I am mad at you? I don't give a single damn about that night, Eleanor!" I spit the words harshly as I look her in the eyes. I see her face fall and her eyebrows scrunching down. That's not true. I do care about what happened at the wedding, but we have more pressing things to discuss.

"I... I am sorry I didn't answer your call. I was mad at you for leaving and then I was mad at me for being mad at you." She's looking for the thing that's making me upset as she apologizes for everything she thinks she did wrong.

"Yeah... think again, Eleanor. You've got one more try." The fact that she clearly has no idea why I am upset with her upsets me even more. She knows I was at my training camp. Connor told me he told Olive and I know she told Eleanor. I just want a simple "congratulations." Is it too much to ask? I see her brain spinning as she looks for what she missed.

"I don't... I don't know, Ben. I'm just sorry for everything I did wrong. I know shutting you out was a mistake. You didn't deserve that." I roll my eyes one more time before getting up. I forage through my suitcase until I find what I am looking for. I grab the newspaper and hand it to her. I give her a few minutes to read the article. Her eyes are wide when she looks back at me.

"You signed? It's official?" she asks, her voice small. I nod, crossing my arms on my chest.

"Yeah. I signed. And the minute I did, I wanted to tell you. But you ignored my call, and the one after that, and the other one, and my text. All I got was a text that said that you extended your trip for an unknown period of time. All I wanted was for you to be happy for me, Eleanor. Because I was happy. I was happy and you ruined it, so thank you." I press my hands together as if I was praying and bend down a little in front of her. She just stands there for a while, staring at me with wet eyes that could burst at any second.

"I am sorry, I didn't think..."

I cut her off once more. "Remember that day when I showed up late to your reading in college and you told me I was not making any efforts to be present for you? That I wasn't invested in your life as much as you were in mine?" She nods, knowing where I am going with this. "Well, who's not making efforts now, huh? I have done nothing but be present for you lately. I followed you during your press trip, I moved in your apartment to be there for you, I went to Will's wedding because you didn't want to go by yourself. And the one time I needed you to support me, you got upset and shut me out. So, I won't apologize for being mad at you, and I won't apologize for leaving without telling you where I was going because that's exactly what you did when you decided to stay in BC. I was so worried about you, Eleanor. You have no idea how much I was worried about you." She's crying by the time I'm done. I had managed to keep my voice as calm as possible but what she says next makes it almost impossible.

"I was scared, Ben. I was afraid I had messed it up with what I did at the wedding and I didn't want to face you because I thought you had left because of me. Then I saw your note and it scared me even more because it meant that hockey was back in my life and I didn't know if I could live with it once more." I struggle to hear her last sentence due to the heaviness of her crying.

"Hockey will always be in my life, Eleanor!" I shout.

"I know," she shouts back. "But it took you away from me once and I don't want it to happen again."

"What's that supposed to mean?" My heart beats faster in my chest. I can hear my blood pumping in my ears as I wait for her answer.

"It means that you're back in my life and that I don't want you to leave again." Instead of calming me down, her answer only fuels the fire in my chest.

"Meaning?" I aggressively say. I wish I could calm myself down, but I can't. Not when she's being so evasive.

"That I love you, Ben. And that I don't think I'll ever stop." The words from her novel come back to my head. I just don't know if it should be the kind of love that keeps you up at night and creates goosebumps on your skin when you think about it or if it should be the friendly kind of love.

"The goosebumps kind or the friendly kind?"