Butterfly Wishes

20 - Caleb - Laughter, Smiles & Tears

 Chapter 20: Laughter, Smiles & Tears

[Caleb]

Sometime after Dad has left us, the arms wrapped around my middle haven't loosened one bit. Jade hasn't said anything either and it makes me crazy with worry. Is she really this upset because I didn't tell her it was my birthday? Or did Dad tell something hurtful to her while I was outside? I try coaxing some answers out of her, without success. Whenever I ask her what's going on, Jade cuts me off with a simple headshake. As if she doesn't want to speak, or isn't ready to speak. As I quickly come to realize, I will have to wait for Jade to share what's on her mind, and she'll tell me on her terms. How long this will take? I have no clue.

Thinking that the wait might take some time, I move us to the living room. It is kind of a funny shuffle, where she doesn't let go of me, nor does she loosen her hold. It's a good thing she's so small compared to me, because I can easily look over her head and prevent us from walking into doors and furniture.

"Let's sit down," I say when we reach the couch. For a second, Jade unlocks her hands from behind me, allowing me to sit. However, the lack of bodily contact doesn't last long. As soon as my back hits the couch, she crawls in my lap. Her head, tucked safely beneath my chin, rests on my chest. One of her hands searches for mine and entwines our fingers, while she hugs herself with the other.

Any other time, I would've enjoyed Jade's closeness and the way she snuggles up to me. But not now. Now she's hurting. Or maybe she's confused? Scared? I can only guess. Be there, that's what Dad had mouthed to me before he joined my sisters outside. If that was his idea of helping me out, he shouldn't have bothered. As if I would turn my back on Jade when she was in tears. And he damn well knew it. So, why did he tell me anyway?

I use my free hand to tuck her hair behind her ear, thinking she shouldn't hide from me. My lips touch the top of her head and linger there while I speak softly, for her ears only.

"I am here," I murmur. "I'm right here."

Jade doesn't say anything in return, but if I'm honest with myself, I don't really expect her to.

While I wait, I try to commit to memory everything that is Jade. Against better judgment, I catch myself preparing for a time when I'll have to make do with only these kinds of memories. My body doesn't know whether to relish the moment or to break down because the moment might not last. Perhaps this is exactly what Jade's up to, I wonder solemnly, memorizing every possible thing there is to memorize, because she knows or fears she won't be able to enjoy it later on. And if she lost hope of a nice future, maybe I shouldn't cling to the idea either. But what will I do when one day, I can't hold her, can't see or feel her? Will I be able to remember the smell of her hair? The feel of our hands locked together? The ridiculously light weight of her in my lap? The warm, damp spot her exhaled breaths create in the fabric of my shirt, right above my heart. Try as I might, I can't accept defeat. I won't allow myself to surrender and let go of the hope of a positive outcome. Who's to say the medical treatment won't work? For a moment there, I gave in to my dark thoughts and I can just about kick myself in the shin for it. To remind myself what I'm willing to suffer for, I squeeze Jade, as if to draw her even closer -- if that were a possibility. 

In my arms, Jade draws in a deep breath and waits a beat before she exhales it noisily. She repeats this two more times. Before I get a chance to say something, I feel a soft pressure on my chest, there where her breaths left a damp spot, and I look down. Jade's mouth touches my shirt but she has her eyes closed. When she pulls back, she doesn't open them right away. When she does and our gazes connect, a faint blush colors her cheeks.