Fixing Her

Part II

"There is lonliness in this world, so great that you can see it in the slow movement of the hands of the clock." Bukowski

Part II

Three things I was certain of when my mother died, firstly I would have no one to call mom anymore, secondly, I was going to live with my father whom I didn't even know existed until the day of my mother's funeral and thirdly, my life would forever be altered. And it was, at the mere age of seven.

Two things I was certain of when I graduated high school, firstly, I was going to college, and secondly I was not going to live with my father anymore.

In the ten years I got to spend with Jim, my father, our relationship went from that of two strangers who couldn't look each other in the eyes to best friends for life...and death. The man I knew to be the vilest being who abandoned her little girl turned into the one thing I couldn't bear to be without. I learnt to love my father, I learnt to embrace him with all his faults and flaws. None of us is perfect. I forgave him.

We shared the same pain, he and I. He understood what so many failed to even perceive. When I lost my mother, I was convinced my life was not worth living. And I remember crying myself to sleep every night, hoping and praying that the next morning I was going to wake up and it would all be a big fat nightmare. But it was not. My mother had gone and she was not coming back.

The idea of living with a man I barely knew, a man who failed to be there for me as a father and failed my mother as a husband, that very idea was my worst nightmare of losing mom. But even nightmares have a way of turning into beautiful dreams, seldom.

I lived with Jim. He gave me a home, he was my friend when no one found me cool enough to befriend me at school. He was the one who lulled me back to sleep when I woke up in the midst of the night from the haunting nightmares of my mother's death. He was my anchor and support; he showered me with more love than I could ever imagine receiving from anyone. Perhaps a little too much love, as I'd like to look at it. 

You see, Jim was imperfect, just like the rest of us. He was sometimes a bit too much for me to bear. I wondered at times what would have happened to me if he had decided not to take me in. And it is in those moments that I realise just how fortunate I was to have him. 

To say Jim was the best gift after my mom would be an insult to what he was to me, he was half of my life.

Leaving him behind was like leaving a part of me. I was being torn into pieces, but this was what I have always wanted. College.

I think if there was one word to describe college, it would have to be mysterious. From the very first sight of the place, I could tell there was a story already unfolding. A story I would one day share with my kids, if I ever had any.

I had no idea what to expect and maybe that was a good thing, expectations tend to be accompanied by disappointments.

Jim was not with me, not because he did not want to, but because I told him I needed to do this by myself. I liked the idea of independence and Jim understood that, and so he agreed to see me off at the airport back home and not travel with me all the way. For the first time in years, I would be away from him and as much as he hated the idea, he loved me too much to deny me my freedom. This was what I wanted.

I was nervous throughout my flight, anxious as to what this new era would mean for me. Will I get to meet a cute guy in one of my classes and finally fall in love? Will I like my roommate? Will I like living in a sorority house? All these questions, none that I was able to answer. It was nerve-wrecking. 

After all the administration had been sorted regarding my stay at the dorm, I was being escorted to my room where a mysterious roommate awaited my arrival. Both exciting and scary. The prospect of a new friend or nemesis. The lady who was showing me to my room was pre-occupied to even spare me a glance. A lot of students were arriving and most looked excited and ready for the wild college ride. I bet I looked like I was about to throw up, not because I was not excited to be there, but I couldn't stop the thousand questions racing through my brain. But there was only one question that gave me chills, would I be happy here?