Fixing Her

Part XII

 Part XII

Damian Taylor

"I've never felt this way about anybody in my fucking life." Matteo, an old friend of mine had once said to me while dating some Mexican chick he met in a strip club.

"Bullshit." Was my response. How do you fall in love with a stripper, right? I thought he was being outrageous and was just infatuated with her. Turns out I was very wrong. 

And now, the two are happily married, living life on the fast lane...Whatever the fuck that means.

When I had responded with a mere 'bullshit' back then, it was because I didn't fully understand how you can just love someone. I was eighteen  and a pathetic out of control rebel, just like Rowan and often I thought people hated us just as much as we hated ourselves. For Rowan, that changed when he met Sofia, for me that didn't change until I met Johanna. 

And now, sitting here, reflecting on the last six months or so, I realise just how accurate Rowan's words were.

I had never in my entire life felt this way about any girl. It was like...your heart finally beating properly, like it should. I couldn't make sense of what it was that just drew me to her. But in all the senselessness, one thing was clear as rain, Johanna had my heart.

Hell, I had no fucking clue what that meant, but something happened between us, something clicked, something was brought to life from our encounter. The closest I had ever gotten to love was good sex, if that even meant love. And the strangest thing was, fucking Johanna was like...making love. 

It drove me insane at first, not really knowing what I was feeling. I spoke to my little brother Adrian about it since he had a girlfriend of four years. He had told me I was in love. Don't get me wrong, I loved the feeling more than anything but my God it was fucking taxing. I couldn't get mad at her or forget to text her or call her like I did with all the other girls. I didn't want to be away from her , not even for a second. It was hard since it was all new to me. 

It was finally plainly clear to me what it meant to be in love. Because I was undeniably in love with Johanna. What love was, or what it entailed, I had no idea, but if there was any word that could be used to describe how I felt about her, love came close enough.

Losing her, like I did, was not something I would ever wish upon anybody. The relentless pain and unbearable weight of her love that I carried with me each passing second were slowly killing me. I could feel myself fade. Each passing day without her felt like a lifetime. I wanted and needed her with me. 

We fought hard together, to make it work. Everything. Our relationship, before and after Jim's trial. We fought for our love. But not even I could have saved her. As much as I loved her, she needed to save herself. And I guess a part of me understood that when she left.

*

Seven Months Earlier...

I was bitter about the whole situation, I hated Jim with every ounce of my being, but for some twisted reasons, Johanna seemed to be inclined to forgiveness. 

Going through the trial was like going right through hell for the both of us. I had to take a break from work to focus on supporting her. She was brave half the time, the other half, I couldn't really tell what she was. She wouldn't talk to anybody except me. She spoke about him every now and then, but for the most part, all she wanted to do was forget. She would sometimes wail, cry at the top of her lungs like she wanted to rid herself of something on the inside, and when I begged her to talk to me, her response was always the same. She just wanted to forget.