I Can't Fly

Chapter 16

If fate wanted it to be so, Saturn would have said that she was busy or she didn't want to do anything that day. However, she jumped at the opportunity. I suggested that it was the perfect time for Saturn and me to go to the mall. Saturn couldn't agree more. "Who's ready for some girl's time?" She squealed before ending our call. 

My Mom at first refused to let me go. She was the angel on my shoulder. She restated the importance of my upcoming SAT and all the other crap that I didn't want to think about. She even suggested a mental health day at home, without Saturn. I could take a relaxing shower or do some cleaning. As if cleaning could make me feel better. With the worsening dark circles under my eyes, she optimistically suggested that I could go to bed early too. Her efforts were appreciated since it showed that she cared about me. However, none of her comments changed my resolve. At that moment, the devil on my other shoulder spoke over the angel. With some coercing and assuring, my Mom allowed me to go. It might have involved some white lies, but it didn't faze me. These minor ones did not compare in significance to my secret of flying. I brushed them and any hard feelings that resulted off like a fly. 

By the time we met up, it was 3 pm. The amount of time ahead of us boggled my mind. I bore the daunting thought, thinking of the alternative. I could be at home. I shivered thinking about it. It was a den for reality to repeatedly crash onto my shoulders and I somehow kept getting back up. I knew Saturn would find a way to pass the time. 

Right after Saturn gave me a hug, she waved her debit card in the air with glee. "Who's ready to shop till they drop!" I knew from experience that both of us took that expression too seriously. 

With the hours we spent in that mall, Saturn acted as she normally did: engaging, funny, spontaneous, distracting. However, I couldn't live in the moment. My emotions would spark memories. Nearby smells would trigger childhood meal time or baking in the kitchen. Saturn would mention something to remind me of the responsibilities I was evading. No matter how much positivity Saturn radiated, my mind felt trapped in a dark room without windows. 

One of the first and life-impacting memories that captured my attention was when my Mom was first hospitalized for her depression. At the time, doctors thought it was just alcoholism. They threw drugs at her then moved onto the next patient. A few months later, they realized the drugs didn't work when she came in with the same problem and others.  

While my Mom did her best to put up a brave face after my Dad left, she wasn't able to wear it forever. The beginning of the downfall began when she heard that he had gotten married and had a child. Then, some men around her work began to harass her. She was able to fend them off, but she got a pay cut because of it. Taking care of a thirteen-year-old girl, being a single mother, and worrying about the bills was enough to push her over the edge. The nearest coping mechanism was drinking.

At the age of 13 years old, I had found my Mom uncontrollably vomiting into the toilet. She had done this once or twice before, so I did my best to help. A moment passed while I grabbed extra towels, a bucket, and some drinking water. I came back to my Mom slopped on her side on the ground. Her breath came out as a whisper or not at all. It took me ten minutes before I decided to call the police. It took another fifteen minutes for the ambulance to show up. The entire time I had been holding onto my Mom, shaking. I cried over the phone as the first responder told me to remain calm, help was on the way. Color trickled from her generally smiling face. 

When paramedics asked who I could stay with while my Mom was getting better, I didn't give them an answer. As the only child of a single parent, I didn't have a parent or siblings to stay with. Plus all of our relatives lived over an hour away. At that time, Saturn and her parents would have taken me in at a heartbeat. The truth was that I didn't want to be separated from my Mom.