Dear Niall.

Dear Niall 6.

Dear Niall

    September 16, 2012 

  How do I even begin?

I don't know how too because right now everything is shit. Total shit honestly. I can't even look at twitter without crying. I can't look at tumblr without crying. Hell. I can't even look at myself without wanting to punch the mirror. My hand is still cut up from doing it last week. Is that bad? Well screw it. Nothing matters anymore because I don't have you. You aren't with me. You should be. You're 19 and you didn't even get to celebrate your birthday the proper way did you? No.

But I got to celebrate mine. That isn't fair. Nothing is fair or right anymore.    I picked up a few bad habits but you don't need to know them now do you? No. Not yet at least. They aren't too bad, but they help me deal with the stress. They help me not freak out on everybody. Which is another thing I've been doing. Lashing out on the people I care about. I lashed out and hit Harry in the chest earlier. Before that, I lashed out and broke Zayn's favorite mirror. Yeah, the one you bought him.. after I broke it I grabbed all the glass and threw it all away.

Except for the sharpest piece. Its sitting in my hand now. My fingers tightening around the sharp edges.    My blood just dripped onto th paper. I'm sorry Niall. I'm sorry I turned to this. I'm so sorry that I turned to cutting my body to relieve the pain. I'm so sorry for failing you. I'll be back in a few minutes okay? Okay.    I'm back and my hand is wrapped tightly in some cotton and the glass is placed back into the box where I keep everything I use.   

Today the doctor called me and told me that you haven't been making any progress. And let me tell you, once I heard that my whole world came crashing down. I have finally hit rock bottom and I'm not really sure how much longer I can do this without you.    You need to wake up Ni. For my sake. For my health. For my piece of mind.   

To save my life.   

Love,    Liam.         

Dear Niall.   

September 17, 2012.   

Where do I begin?   

Today has been the worst. Harry forced me to eat and when he didn't pay attention I snuck off and threw it all back up. Why? Because eating reminds me of you. You remind me of why you aren't awake. And why you aren't awake is my fault. And that being my fault I went and cut. Again. Again. And again. I have a total of- you know what. You don't need to know how much I cut because it's just going to disappoint you more than I already have won't it? Yeah. I thought so.   

The doctor called again. He told me that, like all the other phone calls, there was no improvement. Why is he calling me to tell me this? Doesn't he know how much it hurts me to hear this? Wait.   

I deserve to know that you aren't going to wake up. It's my fault and the grief should be put onto my shoulder's shouldn't it? It should. I deserve the pain and suffering that I PUT everybody through. THIS is MY fault. It's MY fault you're in a coma. It's MY fault. Why did I have to be such a mental fuck up? Why? WHY couldn't I have been normal. Why did I have to try out for x-Factor the second time. Why did I get put through. Why did we get put into a band together. Why did I have to fall in love?   

If I didn't do anything with my life you would still be living your life. Walking, talking, eating, drinking, laughing, smiling, and being in love with someone that deserves you. I never deserved you. You're amazing and I'm a piece of rubbish. It's been proven hasn't it? People on Twitter are staring to notice that it's my fault. I got a Tweet from a girl today saying that I should be in that bed. Not her perfect little blondie. Another one said that she has never shipped Niam and when we came out she said she hated me even more. Do you know how much that stings Ni? 

  It stings an awful lot to hear that someone hates me and that I killed you. But I deserve it all. Right? Yeah. I do.   

Love,  A boy that's at his breaking point.   

Dear Niall. 

  September 19, 2012. 

  I'm at my breaking point. I can't take anymore Niall. I just can't stand you not being here. It's been hell without you and it's been what? Almost a month? Exactly.    

I haven't eaten since the 17th, and I started to drink. I found one of Lou's bottles of vodka in the cabinet and I stuck it up to my room. In fact I'm drinking right now. Another thing to add onto the list of disappointments that I've given you. I've only had the bottle for a day now and it's almost empty. I guess I'll have to buy another bottle when I go to buy- some other things..   

The dumb fuck of a doctor told me that you have a 15% chance of actually waking up. Do you know how much it breaks my everything to hear that? My heart is completely shattered. My head is telling me to give up hope. My gut feeling is to have a glimmer of hope and pray.   

How am I supposed to pray to a God that took everything away from me? How am I supposed to ask for you back when he took you away for no reason in the first place? How am I supposed to believe that you are going to wake up any day now when you haven't woken up already when you were supposed to wake up weeks ago? How am I, Liam Payne, supposed to blieve that you aren't going to die? 

  How am I supposed to go on without you?   

Love, 

In need of a Savior. 

------------- Hey guys! Random update! Hahaha! How did you all like this chapter? It's revealing some things that are very important. Who thinks Liam is in trouble? Who thinks Niall is going to wake up an ride around on quadricorn's that smoke pot?    I DO I DO!  HA.  JK, but seriously, who liked this?