Dear Niall.

Dear Niall 5.

Dear Niall 5

Dear Niall.

September 10, 2012. Letter 7.

Hey Nialler! If you're wondering why the date says 10 instead of 9, is because nothing really happened yesterday that was worth the paper whatsoever. I have never been so bored in my entire life until yesterday. The boys and I didn't do anything but laze around all day in joggers and watch old Disney films. The only film I couldn't bring myself to watch was Finding Nemo because it's your favorite and I can't watch your favorite movie without you, that's just not going to happen. We did watch all three Toy Story's again, and guess what I did.... Yeah I cried. Again.

I know you're laughing so just shut up right this instant! I can just picture your perfect smirk right now. Your lips curved at the ends, parted just enough to see the tips of your braces. We watched another favorite of mine though. 'Beauty and the Beast'. I forgot how much of a badass movie that was! The relationship Bell and Beast have remind me of Lou and El. She's the Beauty, and he's the crazy Beast. Not my best analogy, but I try!

I guess I should start off by saying that the doctors are having more and more doubts about you waking up shouldn't I? Well. I just did and I don't like any of the doctors. They have no faith in you. Maybe I'm spending too much time with them but my faith and hope seems to be draining slowly. I know that's horrible to say, but it's true. You haven't shown any sign of improvement since the day you twitched. The doctor says it isn't a good sign, but there is still a chance that you'll wake up.... I can't picture my life without you. My life would be so dull, so colorless, so unhappy, so pointless. My life without you would be pointless, Ni. Completely and totally pointless. But it scares me. My life without you scares me. I mean, what would the band do? We can't exactly replace you, nor can we write music without you. As much as you deny it, you're the reason this band floats. Your creative mind. Your song writing. Your personality. Everything about you is the reason this band is still on top after 2 years.

You may not see it, but you're the glue that holds us together. Sometimes I want to rip the other guys throat out, but you, you keep me composed and not violent. Doesn't that make you feel special Ni? I hope it does. Back to my life without you. It would be complete and utter hell. I wouldn't have anybody to kiss, or hold, or beg me for food. If I didn't have you in my life, I would probably kill myself. At least I think I would.... I've always been afraid of messing it up and having to live my life in pain or living my life brain dead. I don't know if I would be able to live my life like that what-so-ever. So, I guess I'm trying to say that without you, my life has no meaning and isn't worth living. Maybe I shouldn't be talking about this because it just makes me think you'll never wake up. I pray you do, and I have faith, but... I don't know. I think I'm lacking sleep.

I'm going to bed. I love you Niall. Goodnight.

Love

This Boy Who's Missing You.

Dear Niall.

September 13, 2012.

I miss you... Just even going to visit you is so hard now. Your mum can't even bare to be in the same room as me anymore because she said it was my fault that you aren't awake with her like you should be. She told me that I should be the one on the verge of death not you. And I got to thinking. She's right. You have a bigger and better chance at life than I do. You have such an amazing voice, you have the looks, you have the body, you're a genuine person. You're sweet, caring, loving. Your mum is right. I do deserve to be the one on my death bed. Me. Not you. Me. Liam James Payne. Me. Niall James Horan doesn't deserve to be the one almost dead. I do! Not you! Why did I force you to go with me to the shop? If I wouldn't have then I would be the one almost dead. Not you!

I know I'm not the most religious person, but why is God taking you away from me? Why? What did I deserve to be treated like this? Is it because I'm gay? Harry and Zayn are gay and nothing bad has happened to them! So why me? Why Ni, why? What did I do to have my boyfriend put on his fucking death bed? What did I do to deserve being called a faggot and a piece of garbage that should be killed along with you? Can someone just please tell me what I did? Because honestly I don't know and it kills me because you're like this because of me. This is all my fault. No one else's fault. Mine. Not the cab driver, not the truck driver, not the cop directing traffic. Me. It was all me. So I guess your mum was right when I deserve to be the one laying in that hospital bed and not you. She is right. She has been right all along. You deserve better than me. You deserve someone who is going to love and treat you right. Not get you into a bloody car accident! You don't deserve that! I don't deserve you!

I just need a way to get rid of all this stress. I thought writing to you would help me out, but no it doesn't. It makes me realize how much of a douche bag I really am. How much of a disgusing human being I am. How much I deserve to be dead.

I think I have a way to relieve the pain but what if I mess it up? What if I end up hurt like you, and then the boys have to deal with a perfect angle that was in a car accident, and his douche bag boy friend who tried to 'relieve' his stress? How can someone mess this up? Can you mess that up? I don't know. I might try it. Did I ever tell/write you that PlasticBieber is back to calling us faggots and calling me a freak of nature because one of my kidney's used to not work? Or calling Zayn a terrorist because of his religion? Yeah. She's back at it and management isn't happy about it. They think it's bad publicity. Don't you think having a faggot douche bag is bad publicity? Yeah me too. That's why I think I don't deserve to be in this band touring the world, making millions of dollars. Because I don't deserve any of that. Not a single penny.

I don't deserve the air I breathe do I?

Do I deserve anything?

Anything at all?

Or do I deserve to be shot and killed in an any. Perhaps even be raped.

Who know's. Who would care with you gone anyways?

Not my mum. She doesn't like that I'm gay, nor does she think it's normal.

But hey! I'm not normal.

I'm a disgusting freak.

I disgust myself.

-Liam

AUTHORS NOTE.  

This chapter was sad. I almost cried writing it, but yet again I never cry unless I'm reading.... So... yeah. I told you guys this story was going to Get sad. ;)  

I'm going to a football game tonight so, I won't be on probably all night. I will be writing/reading in the mean time! Oh by the way. if you read this after 9/11/112 then I will be on. Haha. Bye guys.