"This is like cardboard," Sheila said.
"I think of it more like tofu," Joel responded. "You know, because of the soy. Also, it's vegan. Which is far more ethical than killing people."
"Does that make us vegan now?" Sheila wondered. "Ugh, those people are annoying."
"We're not killing vegans, honey. In fact, we don't have to kill anybody! I'm going to call this a win."
Abby bounced down the stairs and asked, "Dad, what's for dinner?"
"Um, I already ate."
Abby narrowed her eyes. "You never turn down food. But I haven't seen you eat in the last two days."
Sheila turned to Joel and said, "We should tell her."
"I already know you're swinging," Abby said. "Eric told me. Just please don't blab about it like the Tantric thing. You're my parents. It's gross."
"No, I meant that your father is a zombie now."
"Oh!" Abby exclaimed. "Shit, is it contagious?!"
"It was an accident with Mr. Ball Legs," Sheila explained. "But we took it out of the house so it can't get to you. We made sure of that."
"And the better news is, I just discovered we can eat human flesh or soy protein!" Joel added. "And guess which one Costco has on sale this week."
"Seriously? You don't have to kill people anymore?"
"No, it's over now." Sheila said. "And why did you think we were swinging?"
"Because Eric said that Dad..." Abby's voice withered as she saw Joel start to panic. She realized that Eric might have been mistaken about some key points. "You know what? Dad's put up with your zombie bullshit for the last month. Now it's your turn."
END
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Santa Clarita Diet Season 4
Fanfiction[CW: Spoilers] If Netflix won't give us a fourth season, I will. Picking up where the show left off, we'll explore Joel Hammond's unlife and how it affects his relationships with Sheila, Abby, Eric, Lisa and Rick. Joel/Sheila, Joel/Lisa because he...
