Agents Of Shield One-shots

Clint the Matchmaker

Ok so I know there is no context for any of this and I didn't really edit it and it started out as just a random fluff but then it escalated and basically, this takes place in the academy days and yes.

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"Well, what about Phil Coulson?" Clint opened the door for her as they walked into Melinda's dorm room.

"I didn't say I wanted a relationship, I just said I wanted someone who's hoodies and sweatpants I can steal,  and who'd bake for me during my time of the month. Now, is that too much to ask?!" Melinda tossed her most recent purchase of feminine hygiene products onto her bunk and flopped down next to it in a huff. 

"Ok ok ok, but if he did that, let you steal his clothes and baked for you and stuff, would you date him?" Melinda rolled her eyes. "I mean, I can't pretend to know much about the time of the month stuff, but all I know is once I handed Maria a leftover muffin during her time, and then she kissed me for thirteen seconds and then broke down in tears of joy. She's never mentioned it to me, but I always wondered what that woman would do if someone baked for them specifically because they're on their time of the month." Melinda blinked.

"Wow. Just wow. I honestly have no response to that. Coming back to me though, I might consider dating him if he did that." Clint grinned grinningly.

"But don't you find him attractive? I've seen the way you look at him when you think no one is watching." Melinda glared at him. "Oh come on May, we're spies. We are literally trained to observe. Do you really think that no one noticed? You look at him like he's a mouse and you're a snake." Melinda attempted to hold in a snort. "And what about that dance where you refused to dance with me because your food hurt, but when Coulson asked you, it miraculously got better?"

"Well in my defense, you're not the best dancer when you have one and a half bottles of whiskey inside you. How'd you even remember that?" Clint ignored her and carried right on.

"And do you remember last Christmas when you lingered under every single sprig of mistletoe whenever Phil Coulson was walking by?" Melinda attempted to bore a hole in Clint's face with her eyes.

"I don't like him Clint."

"Mmmmhmmm. Are you really trying to deny it?!" He raised his eyebrows.

"Clint, I can say without a doubt that I don't like him."

"OH MY GOD MAY." Clint banged his forehead against the wall a few times. "Ok ok ok. Just tell me why you don't like him."

"Well, first of all, he's expressed no interest whatsoever."

"That's debatable, go on," Clint ordered.

"Well, he's a nerd, and it's not like he's attractive to me in any way. I mean, I guess he's kind of handsome, and he has nice eyes. But I hate how when he looks at me, I just want to melt into his arms." Melinda seemed to have forgotten that Clint was there. Her voice got lower, contemplative even. "And I hate how buff he is. Like he's literally stronger than anyone else in the gym. Although that's the communications gym so that's not saying much. And then when he gets going on one of his rambles about history? I hate how he makes it all so interesting, even when the subject is boring. I don't want to be a history nerd. And I hate how nobody is allowed to touch his car. I mean how selfish can one get? She flopped onto her bunk and stared up at the bottom of the bunk above her.

"So, let me get this straight, the only bad thing that you can really find about him is that he won't let people touch his car? Which, by the way, I happen to know was his father's before he died." 

Melinda stared at him. "No, that wasn't the only thing, didn't you listen to me?" Even to herself, her argument sounded as weak as a wet paper bag.

Clint stared at her for exactly thirty-two seconds before muttering 'women' under his breath. He realized his fatal mistake in an instant. Never insult a menstruating woman. He didn't know if May had heard him but he knew he had to get out. He made a break for it and ran for the door. Melinda shot up yelling "CLINT I SWEAR, IF YOU TELL HIM," but he was gone. She hoped she wouldn't hear anything more about it, but with her luck, she'd soon be the laughing stock of the academy. 

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Contrary to her prediction, she heard nothing about her little rant until about a month later, when a knock sounded at her door. 

"Hey, Melinda, how do you feel about chocolate chip cookies?" said Phil Coulson.

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Don't ask me how that turned into a lesson on what women like when they're menstruating because I don't know lol.