(A/N:) upcoming season three spoilers!
Eren finds some time to himself after dinner. He manages to wave off Mikasa's questioning of his destination by claiming he was tired and was going to the barracks because he needed some rest. This is partially true. Though that's not the reason he's going. Eren's not sure why he expects him to be there. He just does. So he reminds himself of how awful he feels, the mix of emotions swelling in his chest that need to be put into words or they'll surely kill him. He remembers why he's doing this, why he feels it's so important and decides he hopes he really is there. But some part of him, some heavy weight in his heart, doesn't want him to be. He supposes he just doesn't want to face the full consequence of what he's done. He doesn't want to answer any tough questions that might be asked of him because he's honestly not in the mood. He had almost lost his best friend. And he isn't really that enthusiastic to talk about it.
As it's still early, no one's in the barracks. Eren lets out a sigh of relief, but feels his chest tighten uncomfortably. He still has to do this, whether he likes it or not. He's not sure if it's his best friend or himself that needs this. Maybe a little of both. He's frustrated with this feeling of sorrow. This feeling of guilt. He's tired of thinking that there might've been something else he could've done. But there wasn't. It was either this or the death of the most important person in his life. And he was never going to let that happen if it killed him.
He takes the other door out of the barracks and isn't sure if he's looking for something or just wants a breath of fresh air. But he finds who he's been looking for and his heart suddenly sinks. He's just sitting there, staring up at the night sky, blond hair shimmering in the moonlight. Eren tries to tell himself to turn around and walk away — to see the serenity of the moment and leave him to it as it was rare for them to ever be at peace. But something makes him stay.
He lets out a gentle sigh, walking over to the blond and taking a seat next to him. "Hey," he breathes nervously. He looks over with a gentle smile. "Hey,"
The tension eats at him, tearing him apart piece by piece so he decides to beat around the bush a little, just to break the silence. "Nice night." he says awkwardly, following his gaze up to the stars. "Yeah, it is."
It doesn't get much better. Eren isn't sure if the silence is only incredibly uncomfortable to him or if they both pick up on it. He fidgets with his fingers nervously, glancing over at his friend and stopping there a moment. He sees the familiar waters of his ocean eyes and the gentle curve of a smile. He notices the faint freckles that dot his cheeks like constellations and the darkness of his lashes that contrasts elegantly against pale skin. His heart aches.
He takes this moment to turn to Eren, immediately catching his gaze. "What?" he asks gently and Eren has difficulty breathing. He remembers that day. He remembers the plan and thinks of how it was part of it all along. He was willingly going to sacrifice himself for them. For him. He remembers screaming and being pulled away, staring helplessly at the charred body of his best friend. He remembers pleading, begging the captain to save him because he can't lose him, not again. But it's as if the entire thing was a bad dream. He's here — alive — right in front of him and Eren must've been taking too long to answer because his brow furrows. "What's wrong?"
Eren wants to say that nothing's wrong. He wants to tell him that everything's fine and always will be. But he knows that's not true. So despite his nervousness, despite the sick feeling settling in his stomach, he clears his throat. "Do you . . . do you remember anything? From that day?"
He doesn't need to ask what day it is. Shadows dance across his eyes and Eren hates that he's the one who put them there. "Not really. But I've heard things. From the others."
