the butterfly project | destiel

13 | confrontations.

castiel's recovery was slow. he was even put on suicide watch for a few days, and that was absolute torture. once the doctors decided he wouldn't try and kill himself anymore, he got to have visitors and his phone again. dean was back to being right by his side 24/7. one time, they were cuddling in the hospital bed and dean looked up to stare at the blue orbs he just couldn't get enough of. cas leaned in for a kiss, but dean turned away.

"not here." he said softly. "not in this hospital. i want our first kiss to be special." and cas thought it was weird, but he shrugged it off. just being as close to dean as he was, after spending so much time keeping his feelings locked up... it was heaven.

dean's hand was in a cast now from punching in the door. it was a constant reminder of that day, and what had happened was eating him alive inside.

"cas..." dean started.

"what, dean?" cas grumbled, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

"can we talk some more about what happened?"

cas sighed. all he really wanted to do at the moment was sleep, but he'd do anything for dean. he looked to his soulmate with a small smile. "of course."

dean sighed deeply. "let's start simple. what do the butterflies mean?" cas grinned at that.

"a long time ago, when i was twelve, i got really mad at my brother michael. so mad i couldn't even see straight. i can't even remember what he did to upset me." castiel's eyes glossed over as he reminisced. dean listened intently. "i took the anger out on myself." cas finally said. "the next day i went to school and had completely forgotten about it. i got on the bus without a jacket, and as soon as i sat down i looked at my arms and realized my mistake. i didn't know what to do, i was so scared that everyone would see." his voice broke and he was speaking softer now. "i went to charlie because she was my only friend. she was so supportive dean, i told myself i didn't deserve her. she gave me one of her hoodies. i still have it." he wiped a tear from his eye and sniffled.

"the next day she showed me this thing she found online, called the butterfly project. it had lots of different rules, but the main idea is that every time you felt like you wanted to hurt yourself, you drew a butterfly instead. and if you cut yourself before it faded, you killed the butterflies." dean made a sad sound in the back of his throat when he realized that's why cas was muttering about killing his butterflies in his sleep.

"oh, baby." dean said. both their eyes were watery with tears. dean reached up to wipe away a drop with his thumb as he caressed his soulmate's stubbly cheek. "another thing." dean said after a little while. "we're boyfriends now, right?"

cas actually laughed at him. "obviously." he said and ruffled his boyfriend's hair.

suddenly, there was a knock at the door. "come in!" cas said hoarsely while dean scrambled to get off the bed. a pretty nurse with long brown locks and big eyes walked in. her name tag said she was called tessa.

"you have a visitor, mister novak." cas tilted his head in confusion but gave permission anyways. dean excused himself to give cas and the mystery visitor some privacy.

castiel waited with baited breath before michael walked into the room.

"m-michael?" cas stuttered out. the older brother gave castiel a sad smile as he walked further into the room. he made his way slowly over to the same chair dean was sitting in before he left. he sat down and leaned forward, elbows on his knees. it was then that cas noticed the dark circles under his eyes, ones that matches castiel's perfectly. he looked so tired.

"i'm so sorry, castiel." michael said softly. "i should have been there for you more." cas shook his head vigorously.

"no." he said, voice breaking. "it's not your fault. please don't blame this on yourself."

"how can i not? i was never home. you needed me and i wasn't there. i wasn't even there when anna visited. i wasn't there when lucifer got arrested. i wasn't there when raph got that fancy job in nyc. i've never been there for any of you, and one by one you've left me and it's all my fault." he was crying now. not sobbing, but there was a steady flow of tears making tracks down his face.

"you've been working." cas said as he took michael's hand. "it's okay."

michael scrunched up his face and pulled his hand away, shaking his head. "that's another thing. i haven't been completely honest... it hasn't all been work."

castiel's jaw dropped. "then... then where have you been?"

michael came clean about his gambling addiction and castiel listened intently. he talked about how he'd be up all hours of the night and even in the day sometimes, putting his money into slot machines. "i always made sure you had money though. i always made sure you were surviving." he finally let out a sob. "turns out i couldn't even do that right." both boys were sobbing into each other's arms, crying until the ran out of tears. cas was comforting michael just as much as michael was comforting cas. it was a beautifully sad moment.

michael sniffed and leaned back to look at his brother, grasping his hand in both of his. "i promise to do better. we'll both get help, we'll reconnect the family. i can fix this." he finished determinedly. castiel nodded, believing him wholeheartedly.

when michael left and dean returned, cas realized he had cried quite a bit that day. he had planned on calling anna and charlie but he just was too exhausted emotionally. when he told dean this, his boyfriend just nodded his head understandingly. "i just wanna sleep." he concluded. dean agreed and climbed in the bed next to him.

just when cas was about to fall asleep, dean said something. "i think that's part of the healing process." he said. "knowing your limits." castiel smiled at that and drifted off into a peaceful slumber.