❝this little light of mine... i'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine...❞
two plates laden with cake crumbs and half an hour later, i laid down on the bed next to my mother, her arm wrapped around me, my head on her shoulder as she hummed to me a familiar tune.
"i remember when you were a kid... you used to love to lie down on the bed like this, me embracing you like this all night long, and you would go right to sleep after i sang you this song..." mom said before continuing to hum.
"mom... i love you." i whispered.
"i love you too, hon." she said back in her soft, motherly voice... one i was used to hearing when i came home crying from school after a low grade in an exam or after a failed ballet performance back in my dancing days.
she continued to hum to me before i decided to speak, to tell her what i hadn't told anyone... the real reason for leaving greyson.
"i love him, mom..."
"i know, sweetie, i know..."
"i love him, so, so much... that sometimes I feel like my hearts clenching.. it's like I have so much in me for him that i just about can't contain it anymore."
mom was silent for a minute or two, almost like she was thinking about how to perfectly phrase her next sentence.
"then why did you leave him, sweetheart?"
and there was the question. my mother was never really gentle or careful with her words she was always very blatant like she was now at this very moment.
"i... i couldn't take it anymore, mom." I whispered.
"what couldn't you take, my dear?"
"everything... the fans who bashed charlie and i.. the constant fights.. the words unsaid."
"are you sure those are reasons? or are they excuses?"
ouch, mom, ouch.
i sighed and closed my eyes.
"excuses." i murmured mostly to my mother but also to myself.
"the truth is... i think i just felt stuck." i finally added.
"i'm happy to be always with him, the traveling is amazing, and the fights could honestly be solved... if I wasn't so unhappy."
"oh honey..." she murmured pulling me closer to her, "if i knew that you'd feel this way i wouldn't have let you go."
"it's not your fault mom... i thank you for letting me because i don't regret going.. I just- at that time i felt like it was enough. i felt like it was really time to leave that part of my life behind and become something apart from him. I love him mom... and maybe that's why I left. i don't want my love to turn into hate because i felt stuck and didn't do something about it. i don't want to blame him for something he didn't do."
"he's there and he's realizing his dreams and becoming who he wants to be and I'm happy to be part of that. but I want to have that light in my eyes the way he does when he's on stage. I want to know that i'm not missing out on realizing my own dreams and becoming who I'm meant to be in this world. And I felt suffocated. Like I couldn't do that with him. Like where he is now is not where I'm supposed to be."
I could feel my heart breaking almost the same way it did when I left him. The tears started streaming from the corners of my eyes and all of a sudden once again I had to teach myself to breath again.
"I'm here, sweetie, mom is here now." She whispered, holding onto me and wiping my tears.
"You were so young then when you fell in love. That's the trouble when you fall in love too soon. It's a choice of having to get to know someone else in their entirety and accepting them even before you've done that yourself. I'm sorry, honey, for not seeing that. I could've protected you. I could've kept you from this. But you were so happy- and so, so in love. I wanted you to have that."
"It's okay, mom... It's okay. I don't feel stuck anymore.. Just lost. Really, really lost. And completely and utterly missing him."
"I think he misses you too. And I also think he deserves an explanation and that you need to tell him all that. Thinking about why you left is probably destroying him and tearing him apart."
"I know.. I feel so guilty about just leaving him without a word.. I was afraid he'd convince me to stay."
"Just talk to him. If he really loves you... He will understand."
"I know... Mom... I know."
"Well, sweetie... I hate to spoil the ending but... Everything is going to be okay in the end."
"Thanks, Mom. Love you."
"You're always, always welcome. I love you too."
