❝the fading lights, your brown eyes, staring into mine... save me 'cause i'm falling, save me 'cause i'm drowning.❞
ring, ring, ring...
"ugh..."
"hello, this is arianne. it's either i'm not around or i hate you at the moment, leave a message."
"arianne? arianne?! darling, are you okay? this is your mom-" the sound emitted from the telephone.
i stood up, rushing to the phone, mumbling random curses as i bumped my knee on the couch. i fell, my face landing on the couches arm as i grabbed the phone before mom ended her rant.
"mom?" i answered, my voice groggy and scratchy.
"arianne? is that you? honey! we've been calling you for the past three days-" she continued to rant, as i made myself comfortable on the couch.
"mom... i'm fine..." i mumbled.
"arianne kathleen gray, don't you interrupt me." mom scolded.
"sorry..." i mumbled as she continued to tell me how much i worried her.
"mom... can you please get to the point?" i asked after three minutes.
she groaned lightly, "look, arianne, would it bother you to visit us once and awhile? your home schooled, i know you can visit us without a problem. it's only a three hour drive, right? we want to see that you're okay." she said.
"mom, we are okay." i mumbled.
she sighed, "how about you? are you okay?" she asked.
i bit my lip knowing exactly what she was talking about, "i-i'm fine." i whispered.
"sweetie... what happened?" she asked.
i closed my eyes, "look, mom, i got to go... i'll call you, okay?" i told her.
"honey-" she started.
"i'll, uhm, try to visit you next week or something... i've got to go mom. i'm gonna cook, charlie some breakfast. okay?" i told her.
she sighed, "okay, honey, just tell me when you're going to visit and give that sweet little boy a kiss for me, okay?" she told me.
"yeah, yeah sure... bye." i answered.
"i love you, sweetie..." she whispered.
"i love you too, mom." i said before ending the call.
i closed my eyes, my bottom lip quivering...
i love you, mom...
i love you.
i sighed, standing up and making some coffee for myself.
i sat back down on the couch, sipping the hot, bitter coffee i drank every morning. i closed my eyes, he used to make me coffee... sweet, cinnamony coffee. i never got around to ask him the recipe, but i missed it... the creamy taste, the sweet touch, the slight sprinkle of cinnamon. i sighed, not knowing if the decision i made was so right anymore. not knowing if leaving him was the right thing to do. it felt so right then.. it felt so right in that sparkly dress, with those bright flashes that came from the camera in my eyes, without his warm hand in mine.
i sighed, glancing towards the telephone... had he called?
i contemplated whether i should press the button or not.. it wouldn't hurt if i did, right? i asked myself.
i blinked, reluctantly pressing the button.
"you have 35 messages." the voice announced.
"tuesday, november 29, 3:09 pm. arianne? why aren't you picking the phone up, are you even home yet? or did you stay in canada to work things out with greyson?" i sighed, that was olive.
"tuesday, november 29, 3:45 pm. you-you stupid girl. how could you-" i pressed skip, knowing that came from a fan. i can't take the hate right now, i just can't.
"tuesday, november 29, 4:23 pm. arianne, this is stacy, can you please come back. you need to fix things with greyson, we don't have anything to tell the pre-" i pressed skip once again, i knew it was hard for stacy, but i couldn't, i just couldn't go back there and face him again... and see that face again, those eyes that betrayed the hurt and pain i'd caused him. those lips formed into a frown... i couldn't go back to that, not now at least.
"tuesday, november 29, 6:04 pm. arianne, sweetie, are you okay? i heard what happened... honey, please call me.. i need to know you're okay." mom's voice leaked from the phose and i suddenly felt guilt and regret... i'm sorry mom.
"tuesday, november 29, 6:12 pm. hey arianne, it's me, caden. i know i'm just downstairs and all but i wanted to know you were all right. olive's worried sick and i-i'm worried sick. are you even home yet?" caden. i should've known, he'd call too.
"wednesday, november 30, 2:05 am."
silence, i heard silence...
then i heard breathing, panicked breathing, slow breathing...
i sighed, maybe this one was just checking if i'd pick up, or maybe the person didn't know he hadn't hung up. i had enough for the day, i couldn't stand anymore, maybe i'd empty the rest later.
i was about to press cancel when i heard his voice.
"i-i... i don't know what happened to us, rian..." he started.
my breath hitched at his voice, it sounded hurt, pained... broken.
"i don't even know why i'm calling..."
"i miss you, rian... i do, and i want to see you again, and i want you to explain to me why you left me like that..." he whispered.
"i'm sorry... i know it's my fault..."
"i just wish you held on... held on longer. i wish you didn't give me up so fast... i wish you didn't give up on me so quickly..." i heard him sigh on the other end of the line.
"i just want you to know that... i'm still here. and i still love you, i really love you... and i'm sorry i couldn't protect you from it all. i'm sorry for being so insensitive, and not there all the time for you and charlie... but you have to know that you guys are my-" i pressed cancel.
no, no... don't do this to me... don't break me, don't break my decision like this...
i miss you, too. i miss you a lot...
i love you, i still love you too.
