❝there will always be someone better than him, but never one to replace him.❞
i stared absentmindedly at the black liquid in my cup, my thoughts twirling and roaming around the vast crevices of my brain. i'd yet to go to work, and my boss had called a couple of times during the week asking me when i'd decided to show up. i told him that i wasn't sure when and that i would get back to him on that one. maybe, it was the desperation in my voice, or maybe he'd heard the news about what had happened, but he'd agreed and that was all that mattered.
having my job intact, was one of the only things in my life that i was sure i wouldn't lose at the moment. and i was desperate to have at least one thing, one thing to be normal again, so maybe that's why when olive came over, i'd opened the door.
she was beautiful, to say the least, though she had always denied it. her hair was wavy and messy in so many ways, but to me, it was always the seemingly beautiful brown locks they were. her eyes were the deep color brown, deep and beautiful and hid so many secrets that i knew she kept. her lips were plump and full and were ready to scold me for the many hours i'd worried her. but the thing is, that wasn't the most beautiful part about her. see, the most beautiful part about her was her soul. her beautiful, kind and loving soul. one of compassion and love and vibrancy. one of humble and great acts, that i had always felt envious of. one of talkitivity and generosity that had always comforted me in the uncomfortable silence. and mostly friendliness... her most beautiful gift.
my eyes searched for any sign of annoyance, or anger, or maybe even impatience... but what i saw was worry. her nose was scrunched up in a way that always let me know she was thinking, or contemplating of what to say or what to do. her hair extra messy in the morning, her eyes tired and dull instead of vibrant and bright, her lips chapped and almost dead looking.
"what happened to you?" i asked, the words slipping from my mouth so easily that i was yet to watch myself.
she looked into my eyes and the worry disappeard as she chuckled and hugged me, "You culprit, you made me worry..." she said holding me tighter.
maybe it was because i loved her too much to push her away at the moment, or i just needed someone to hold me and tell me it was okay. so i let her in and we talked, and talked... and that's when i decided that i needed to stop wallowing in self-pity and start doing something useful so i opened up the daycare again.
it was refreshing to see the kids again, it was refreshing to see charlie running around and interacting with other human beings 'cause clearly i wasn't ready to take the step - the kid's were human but they were just, so much simpler then the adults -, it was not refreshing though to hear all the parents asking me about the 'situation'. i sigh smiling at the kids playing with wooden blocks and random kid toys.
i closed my eyes and maybe it was an automatic reaction, because everytime i did i would see your face... and it wasn't a random picture of you in my mind... it was a memory of you and me, once, babysitting the kids. and you were laughing and smiling and playing with them, telling them stories and holding my hand. i guess there is no possible way to get you out of my mind, because i know now that you never will and maybe that's why i decided not to try anymore...
