❝i miss you. i miss you. i miss you... and that's all i think about. you're killing me but i still miss you...❞
I loved you, a lot, I love you, still. Maybe that's why I, we, lasted so long... Five years is a long time... And no one believed we would last that long. I guess that's also why no one believed that we broke up. I owe you a lot though. First of all, an apology, then an explanation.. But why? I don't know. Because we both did something wrong that it's both our faults, not yours, not mine, but both of us.
There were a lot of things unsaid and it piled up like newly cooked pancakes. I guess it all became too much and there wasn't enough room for it all in my heart... So I did what I did. And I'm sorry for that... I'm sorry and I hope you know that.
I was tired, and you didn't know that... And it's not your fault I got tired. Because maybe you're tired too... Tired of trying, tired of working things out when there's nothing left to work out.
But that doesn't mean I don't miss you... Because I do, a lot, and everyone knows that. Everyone does, except you. He misses you too, you know. Charlie really misses you, and he still wants to be like you. He still sings your songs in the bath tub, he still asks for you, and he still tries to be like you. And I don't know what to say to him, how to explain, because he's still a kid... He's still too young.
I feel selfish because I should've thought of him... But I was just too tired and hurt and broken to care... And I hate myself now... You don't know that, nobody knows that.
"Ria... I want pancakes now." Charlie whined softly.
I looked down at the figure walking down the stairs beside me and smiled gently.
"Okay, my growing boy..." I said ruffling his hair.
He smiled, "Yep! I'm going to be just like Greyson!" He said.
I closed my eyes and inhaled before opening the door to the cafe that was situated underneath our apartment's floor. He ran ahead of me to the counter.
"Hey kid, what are you doing here?" Caden asked from the counter.
"Caddy! I want pancakes and hot tea, and Aria! What do you want?" He said talkatively.
I smiled, "Hey Caden, I'll just get a chocolate brownie and some tea, too. Is olive around?" I asked.
"O-Okay..." He replied.
"I heard about you and Chance." He stated nervously.
I sighed, fidgeting with the hem of my shirt, "Yeah..." I said.
"Caddy! I want a lollipop! Can I have a lolli? Please, Caddy?" Charlie whined.
I looked up and gestured to Charlie, "Yeah, uhm... add a lollipop to our order. We'll just go take a seat. Tell Olive I came by." I said, dragging Charlie to a vacant seat near the window.
I opened my lit book, scanning through our assigned pages, marking the important information for our midterms. The words jumbled letters as I read, somehow I couldn't focus. It had been two weeks since Charlie and I came back and things hadn't settled down just yet. I'd been hiding from the world for that long, and soon food ran out and I had to come down here to feed Charlie and myself and actually talk to some of my friends for once. Endless phone calls bombarded me each morning, some from angry fans who'd found out my number, some from the press, but most of the calls came from my parents and friends. I understood they were concerned... But, I just needed space to breath and think and I knew they wouldn't give it to me.
"Ria, can I play?" Six year old Charlie asked.
Inodded, "yeah... go join those kids, sweetie. here's your toys, share okay?" i told him.
he nodded running to the boy and girl playing near the back of the cafe.
a pot of tea was placed in the middle of the table as well as two cups and the rest of our order.
"rianne, can i sit?" caden asked.
i groaned, "don't you have work to do?" i asked.
he chuckled shortly, "no, cassie's filling in for me." he said reffering to the other girl employee at the cafe who sort of liked him.
i groaned again, "just go on with it." i mumbled.
silence filled the already awkward atmosphere before he spoke again.
"are you really okay, arianne?" he asked.
"i'm okay." i mumbled.
"no, i know you're not. and it was stupid of me to ask that question, i know." he said.
"no, i'm okay. i'm fine now.. i have charlie, caden, and he's all that i really need right now." i said.
"what about your parents? your friends? olive? katherine? me..." he asked.
i stared into his eyes, "i need time, caden. i need time to be alone... i just need space right now." i said.
he corked an eyebrow, "what about charlie?" he asked.
"charlie, charlie's different cade..." i said.
"what? were not important enough anymore? your parents are worried sick!" he exclaimed suddenly.
"look, caden, you know you guys are important to me... i just need space! and charlie can give me that space! but i need him... 'cause he's the only person who won't ask me or judge me at this moment." i calmly but lethaly said.
"i'm sorry, aria..." he whispered.
"it's-it's fine." i mumbled.
he took my hand that rested on the page i was supposed to be reaidng, "i'm here. i'm here when you need me." he said.
i gently took my hand away... "i know, cade, i just need space." i mumbled, knowing that both of us knew that, that held a different meaning.
and that brought unwanted memories into my head.
it was a cold day that day, and you were holding my hand, as we both walked into the cafe below my apartment with three year old charlie in your arms. we'd taken our order and you met caden for the first time... and it wasn't all that pleasant. you told me that you thought caden liked me that day, and now i know you were right. you told me that you'd talk to him. but i told you i'd do it. and you apologized to me the day after that, telling me that you didn't mean it and that you were jealous. and i laughed at you because you were so shy when you told me you felt that way and i missed that and i missed you and i missed the way you acted towards me...
i missed you, i miss you, i still do.
